


Livin' on a Prayer

by Rose_SK



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Bottom Dean, Broken Castiel, Castiel as Steve (Supernatural: I'm No Angel), Dean Winchester is Protective of Castiel, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Fallen Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Fluff and Angst, Guinea Pig Owner Castiel (Supernatural), Human Castiel, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Dean Winchester, Retired Hunter Dean Winchester, Retired Hunter Winchesters (Supernatural), Retrospective, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Top Castiel, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-02 18:32:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15802215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_SK/pseuds/Rose_SK
Summary: Dean never thought that he would ever retire from hunting, and much less enjoy it.It had taken a while to get used to it, granted. Finding a regular job to sustain himself and pay for groceries, bills and most importantly for a roof over his head had not been easy. Especially when he had taken it upon himself to help Cas adjust to his new life as a human.





	1. Prologue

Dean never thought that he would ever retire from hunting, and much less enjoy it

It had taken a while to get used to it, granted. Finding a regular job to sustain himself and pay for groceries, bills and most importantly for a roof over his head had not been easy. Especially when he had taken it upon himself to help Cas adjust to his new life as a human.

Dean smiled softly as he flipped the two eggs frying in the pan, whistling to an AC/DC song blasting through the speaker he had recently bought. He could not believe that today he was celebrating four years since Castiel had fallen. Additionally, they were celebrating four years of living together as a regular human couple. Dean loved the apple-pie life he had created for him and his angel, even if they had had to fight for their happiness. He did not know who to thank for the chance he had been given. Heaven certainly had nothing to do with it. Dean’s musing was interrupted when he felt two arms wrap around his waist, a small smile tugging at the ex-hunter’s lips when he felt the man of his dreams place a loving kiss on the back of his neck.

“Morning angel” Dean greeted Cas, switching the cooker off before turning around in the angel’s embrace and locking their lips in a tender kiss, “how did you sleep?”

 “Mmh, like a baby” Cas replied, placing open-mouthed butterfly kisses all along Dean’s jawline and neck, causing goose bumps to rise on the former hunter’s skin.

 “Certainly looked like it”

 Dean let out a small laugh, which turned into a husky intake of breath when Cas buried his hands in his hair, pulling him closer into a passionate kiss. Dean was quick to grab Cas’ hips possessively as he lost himself in the feeling of Cas’ soft lips moving against his. What had he done to deserve this life?

 “Damn Cas, you are awesome” Dean whispered, cupping the smaller man’s face and staring into the most beautiful azure orbs he had ever seen. He could never get enough of Cas. He had not felt this happy in years, not since Lisa and Ben. And it felt good. It felt liberating. The smile his lover flashed him was worth every obstacle they had had to face since Cas gripped him tight and raised him from perdition.

“I’m glad you think so, Dean. I love you”

 “I love you, too”

 Dean reluctantly broke away from the comforting embrace to serve the breakfast he had just cooked. Cas went to pour himself and Dean two steaming cups of coffee. They had fallen into a routine: on weekends and holidays, they would have breakfast together at the kitchen table and spend the day watching TV after finishing the house chores. Dean loved it. Surprisingly so.

 “Can you believe that four years ago we thought we would not stay in this house for more than a couple of months?” Dean recalled nostalgically while taking a sip of his coffee. Cas hummed in agreement, rewarding Dean with what could only be described as a genuine content and fulfilled smile. The sight warmed Dean’s heart.

 “I do remember… so much has changed since then. For the better” Cas added, extending his hand over the table which Dean gently covered with his own, rubbing the soft skin with his thumb.

 “Damn right they have…”

 The two men fell silent, listening to their even breathing and enjoying the sun warming their skins through the open window. It was a beautiful summer day in Lawrence, Kansas, much like the very first day Dean and Cas moved into the place they learned to call their home.

 

OoO

Dean parked the Impala just off the main road, pulling the hand break and taking the key out of the ignition. Cas was still asleep in the passenger seat; poor guy seemed to be permanently exhausted. Dean gathered that the fallen angel had eons of sleep to catch up on, so it made sense to not wake Cas up while he went to sort out their future.

 It sounded weird, saying it like that. _Their_ future. Dean and Cas had been sleeping together for a while, mostly using sex as a stress relief after particularly hard hunts. Until now, Dean had never even considered him and the angel – sorry, _man_ … that would take some getting used to – to be a couple. That was before Metatron cast Cas out of Heaven, banishing him to a life as a human on Earth. Dean could not think of a worse punishment for an angel. This once perfect, powerful being was reduced to a miserable cockroach like Dean. Fragile, helpless, clueless… and it had broken the hunter’s heart to see Cas so vulnerable. Apologies, _ex_ -hunter… damn, would he ever get used to that? It also made Dean sad to hear Cas’ soft whimpers through the night when the new human was plagued with nightmares.

In short, Dean was all Cas had left. Protecting the fallen angel and teaching him the rudiments of being human had become his responsibility. It was the least he could do after all the fallen angel had done for Dean and Sam.

Dean was not sure when he had decided to retire from hunting. He could not remember telling Cas about his plans. Two mornings ago, after he had made the fallen angel breakfast that had remained untouched, Dean announced to Sam that he and Cas would leave for a while. At the same time, the older Winchester had pleaded his brother to go back to law school if he had the opportunity. Sam had been surprised, but not displeased. Dean knew that his brother had wanted to lead a normal life for a while now.  The brothers had packed their bags and the same day, they had gone their separate ways, promising each other to keep in touch regularly. Cas had not asked any questions, in fact he had not spoken much at all. To be fair, he had fallen asleep only one hour into the journey.

Dean had thought long and hard about where he wanted to live for the next couple of months at least. Well, when he said _long and hard_ , he really meant that he had instinctively wanted to return to Lawrence. It was the town he spent his early childhood in, and although he did not have many memories of it, he felt that this place was home and always had been. He wanted to create new, happy memories there. Happy memories with Cas.

That would not be easy, he knew that, but it would definitely be worth the struggle.

Stepping out of the Impala after glancing at his sleeping lover, Dean took in a deep breath as the warm summer breeze blew through his hair. The sun was shining over Lawrence that day, the flowers were blooming and the families were all out enjoying the high temperatures and the sunshine. It was a good day to start a new life. Comforted by that thought, Dean walked into the real estate agency, ready to get him and Cas the perfect home to begin their new adventure. Him and Sam had sold several of the bunker’s ancient furniture so they could have some cash to start all over. It would have to be enough for a deposit on a small house. At least, Dean hoped.

When Cas woke up in the car, he realised that the lulling sound of the running engine had been replaced by an eerie silence. The former angel jerked awake and he felt panic overwhelm him when he realised that Dean was not in the car with him. Frantically looking around the street for any sign of the green-eyed human he now relied on entirely, Cas tried to swallow the lump in his throat and not let fear get the better of him. When his eyes recognised Dean’s leather jacket through the shop window they had parked in front of, Cas instantly unbuckled himself and scrambled out of the car in a haste, almost running through the front door of the real estate agency. Dean and a very attractive young woman’s eyes came to rest on him, surprise written all over their faces. Cas suddenly felt very self-conscious about his less than graceful entrance.

“Um… hello, Dean” was all he said, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

“Cas, hey sorry I didn’t want to wake you up” Dean explained, extending his hand towards Cas. The former angel instantly accepted the silent invitation, pressing his body close to Dean’s, taking comfort in the hunter’s protective embrace. Dean’s arm came to rest around his shoulders, pulling him even closer if that was possible. The attractive young woman – whom according to her tag was called Janice – merely smiled at Cas.

“So, this is your partner, yes? Lovely to meet you, Castiel, I am Janice, your realtor” she introduced herself, holding her hand out for Cas to shake which he reluctantly did. He hated how weak he must appear in other people’s eyes, but the feeling of Dean’s arms wrapped protectively around his body made the situation a little more bearable.

“I managed to get us a right bargain on a ‘haunted house’” Dean told Cas, amusement lacing his tone. The look the realtor gave him very nearly made the former angel smirk. Poor woman had no idea what Dean and he had gone through. A ghost? Heaven be their witness, if there was truly a ghost in that supposed hunted house, Dean would get rid of it quickly enough. Cas’ face fell when the realisation hit him that he would be beyond useless if the house was truly haunted. He felt like a bag of bricks had just been dropped onto his chest and was weighing him down to the ground. Cas just wanted to curl up in a ball on the floor and sleep forever. Instead, he leaned against Dean and took comfort in the warmth of his body.

“Well, are we going to finalise the paperwork in that case?” Janice asked with a nervous smile.

“We sure are, sugar” Dean replied, offering her a cheeky wink which made Cas feel… weird. Like he wanted to smite that woman just for existing. He did not know where that sort of anger came from and it scared him. Dean noticed his uneasiness and when Janice left, the ex-hunter shot Cas a worried glance.

“Are you okay, Cas?”

“I’m… not sure” the former angel admitted softly, which merely made Dean sigh softly. Dean placed what he hoped was a reassuring kiss on the angel’s temple – because no matter what everybody else told them, Cas would always remain his angel, the same angel who had saved him from hell all those years ago. The way Cas looked at him, with so much adoration in his eyes, was what kept Dean going.

“We will figure it out, Cas. I don’t care how long it takes, but we will be fine eventually. Like good old Bon Jovi puts it, right now we’re living on a prayer… but we’ll make it, I promise”

Although confused by the pop culture reference, Cas liked the sound of those words. He drew strength from Dean, and he knew it was selfish to expect the hunter to be brave for the two of them, but Cas did not know if he had any courage left in him. He had lost his powers, he had lost his wings… he felt small, useless, replaceable. Dean was his guiding star, his beacon of hope. At least, until Cas got used to being human.

If he ever got used to it.

TBC.

 


	2. Chapter 2

The house Dean had bought was in a bad condition to say the very least, but it had potential.

 

The outside walls, although covered in a brownish-grey layer of dirt, were for the most part not damaged which was a relief for Dean. The roof looked like it was missing a couple of slates, but nothing they needed to be too concerned about. However, the wooden floorboards of the front porch were in dire need of being replaced, and it would probably be the biggest job that would need to be done on the outside of the house. On the inside, the wooden staircase needed to be sanded down, polished and repainted, and the walls could use fresh plastering. Apart from the old-fashioned looking furniture, kitchen and bathroom, the inside of the house was not too shabby in Dean’s opinion.

 

And to top it all off: the EMF reader had not picked up anything unusual when Dean had walked around the house. No ghost. No nothing. Just thousands of possibilities to turn this decaying house into their dream home. Dean could not wait to get started.

 

It had taken Dean two weeks to build a new porch. He had used recycled wood, a rather cheap material considering they were working on a budget. The colour of the porch was therefore not evenly brown, but to Dean and Cas this was exactly what made it unique and theirs. The former hunter had spent another two weeks finding slates to repair the roof, the damage of which had thankfully only been superficial. As for the dirty outside walls, Dean had pressure washed them which had revealed the white paint underneath. That had taken two whole days of work, but it had been worth it.

 

And while Dean had been working on the outside structure, Cas had busied himself with the garden. He had planted seasonal flowers Dean did not know the names of, and he had even planned to make a small vegetable garden where they could grow their own produce. Although Dean was unsure if he would eat anything remotely related to zucchini, the thought of having fresh lettuce and tomato to put on his burgers did sound appealing. Secretly, the former hunter also enjoyed the idea of growing their own pumpkins for Halloween, which they could then carve and exhibit on their new porch.

 

All of this Dean never said out loud, of course.

 

Not much money had remained for the works that needed to be done on the inside, which meant that the only major changes had been improving the conditions of the plaster on the walls. Dean and Cas had to keep the old furniture, kitchen and bathroom the way they were at least for a little while. It did not yet feel like their home, but it was all they had and it would have to do for the time being. Dean was not worried about the colour of the sofas as much as he worried about Cas’ well-being. And so far, the former angel did not seem too fussed about the amenities. He was quite happy with the books Dean had managed to get for cheap from the local charity store. The way Cas’ eyes had lit up when Dean had presented him with the four or five random books he bought had warmed the hunter’s heart. It did not take much to please Cas.

 

It was a chilly autumn day in Lawrence when Dean came home bearing good news and take-out. He found his lover sitting on the olive green leather couch, engrossed in a copy of _Pride and Prejudice_ (Dean was convinced Cas finished that book only last week…). The former angel had clearly not noticed the presence of his lover for he did not even make a move to greet Dean like he usually did. The former hunter used this to his advantage. Gently placing the take-out bag on the dining table, he went to cover Cas’ eyes with his hand. The angel instantly tensed up and jerked away from Dean’s hands at the unexpected gesture.

 

“Hey, hey shh… it’s okay babe, it’s just me” Dean reassured his lover with a gentle voice. Cas stared at him wide-eyed, fear evident in the beautiful blue orbs. It took him several seconds to recognise Dean, causing him to relax. “I’m sorry Cas, I never meant to scare you”

 

“I… I just thought… you could have been anyone, Dean. You could have been an angel…” Cas whispered, his heart still racing in his chest. His mouth had gone dry and his palms were sweaty. He willed his pulse to slow down, which it eventually did. Shooting Dean an apologetic glance, Cas got up from the sofa and went to bury his face in the crook of his lover’s neck, closing his eyes when he felt Dean’s arms pull him closer in a tight embrace.

 

“It’s alright Cas, I shouldn’t have done that. But just to be clear” pushing Cas away from him but keeping a firm grip on both his shoulders, the older Winchester made a point of locking eyes with his angel, “I won’t let anything happen to you, alright? Angels, demons, ghouls, werewolves, Jefferson starships… not even God himself would stop me. You are safe with me, Cas”

 

Cas nodded softly, letting out the breath he had been holding since Dean had started talking. The fallen angel even managed a hesitant smile.

 

“Okay, Dean. I believe you”

 

“Good. Now” Dean turned around to grab the brown take-out bag, grinning to himself when he heard Cas’ stomach growl in anticipation. The smell of hot burgers filled the room, making both the men’s mouths water, “onto my news. I got a job at the local family-owned garage. The guy agreed to take me on for a trial week to see how I’ll do on the team. It wouldn’t be a huge salary, but enough to get us going until you find a job”

 

“That’s really good news, Dean. I returned to that gas’n’sip today to get more beer for you. I spoke to the manager, she said they were looking for someone just now. I suggested myself as a candidate, and she agreed”

 

Dean could not help but feel slightly anxious about Cas taking a job where he had to interact with people on a daily basis, at the same time he flashed Castiel a proud smile that made the angel blush.

 

“Babe, that’s awesome. I told you we would get there. Things are starting to look up for us” Dean took a bite of his juicy burger and hummed in pleasure as he tasted the melted cheese and beef on his tongue.

 

“I guess…” Cas said, picking at the vegetable on his burger absent-mindedly. Dean sensed that something was up.

 

“You okay, Cas?” he asked casually, pretending that he had not noticed the sadness flash across his lover’s face – and also ignoring how heartbroken it made him feel. Cas sighed heavily at the question, all thoughts of eating his burger forgotten.

 

“Dean, I know you are doing your best to make me feel at home and to teach me the basics of being a human, but… I’m afraid that no matter how hard you try, you will not succeed in making me feel like my old self ever again. I lost everything, my grace, my wings… everything that made me the powerful angel that I was before I fell. And nothing you can do, or build or buy can ever replace that. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, Dean… but I am nothing. I am weak. I rely entirely on you, and…”

 

Cas’ voice broke slightly in that moment, and the man allowed himself a couple of seconds to steady his breathing before carrying on,

 

“… the day you leave me, I will be all alone. I will have nothing left, and that… scares me more than any angel that could possibly be after me”

 

Dean did not really know what to say to that. He knew that Cas had had a hard time adjusting to his new human life, but the former hunter had up to this moment truly been convinced that Cas was making progress. Sure, there were the nightmares and the insecurities, and hell, Dean could also live with the anxiety. But the fear of him abandoning Cas? How could his angel think for one second that Dean would leave him? Why would he?

 

“Alright, listen to me Cas, because I am not going to repeat myself” Dean advised the angel, putting on the voice he always used on Sammy when he was being unreasonable, “I gave up hunting for you. I gave up my whole life’s work for you, in an instant. I didn’t blink, and I didn’t hesitate. I gave up all of it so I could leave with you and lead a normal, happy life, so we could create happy memories together. I gave it all up, just the way you rebelled against your family all those years ago so I wouldn’t say yes to Michael. I don’t plan to leave you, Cas. Never”

 

Cas had the decency to lower his gaze after Dean's rant, but the older Winchester could tell that the angel was having a hard time accepting the fact that he would probably never again be the angel he used to be. However, Dean wished he could make him understand that even if his mojo was gone, and even if he did not have his wings, he was still Dean's angel. Always had been, and always would be. Unfortunately for the former hunter, he was terrible at expressing his feelings, preferring actions to words. This one time, he would have to suck it up... for Cas' sake at least. 

 

"Okay, I'm gonna try another approach here" Dean rubbed his face in concentration, taking a couple of seconds to think about his next words, "do you think I'm useless?" he finally asked, earning himself a horrified look from his lover. 

 

"Of course not, Dean, why would you even think that of yourself? You bought this place, you worked hard on this house to make it as homely as possible for us, you found a job so you could sustain us... and you took me in when I as at my most vulnerable, when you could have easily left me to fend for myself now that I am no use to you anymore"

 

"Stop right there, Cas" Dean ordered softly, reaching across the table to intertwine his fingers with Cas', "yeah, I did all of that, but I am not a hunter anymore, am I? I am not who I used to be anymore, either. And I don't find the thought half as scary as I probably should..."

 

"Apologies Dean, but our circumstances are different" Cas argued, his voice barely more audible than a whisper. 

 

"Okay fine, but you know what's exactly the same for the both of us? We are two bastards trying to learn how to be normal, and that fundamentally goes against our nature after all the shit we've seen and been through. So instead of lamenting on our fate, we are going to own it. You and I are going to play the hand life has dealt us, even if it means bluffing our way through it. But you got to believe me Cas, if we go all in on this, we could win the jackpot" 

 

Dean was not sure if Cas understood the metaphor, or whether it truly made a difference to the former angel. What he knew was that Cas suddenly closed his eyes and tightened his grip around Dean's hand, almost as if he were drawing strength from Dean's touch. 

 

"What's the jackpot?" Cas asked, taking Dean by surprise. This was not what the older Winchester expected his lover to say. 

 

"Uh... well, for one we could make enough money to change the ugly furniture. And later on, we could invest in a new bathroom and kitchen. And as soon as we have a decent cooker I'll teach you some easy recipes. We could cook together, take showers together... maybe even baths if we can afford a tub" 

 

Dean noticed the faintest of dreamy smiles appear on Cas' face, which prompted the former hunter to continue listing the projects he had in store for them.

 

"Then, we'll buy you a proper garden shed so you can keep your tools there instead of storing them in the Impala. We'll save up money to go visit Sammy and stay at his for a weekend. I'll take you road tripping, in fact no,  I'll teach you how to drive. We’ll buy you a car, and we'll get a dog or a cat, whatever you prefer..."

 

"Bees..." Cas interjected, causing Dean to pause. 

 

"Bees? I mean, why would we..." Dean tried arguing, but when he saw Cas' devastated face he quickly stopped himself, "I mean, yeah bees. Why the hell not, let's adopt a bunch of bees" 

 

Cas' features instantly softened, and Dean wondered if his lover would often use these puppy eyes to get his way (and also, how often it would actually work).

 

"I think what I'm looking forward to the most are the little things that will make up our jackpot, though. Our first Christmas, family birthdays, thanksgiving, cosy nights in front of the TV... which we will buy as soon as I get my first salary" Dean promised with a small chuckle, "I want to have the life Sammy and I never got to live when we were kids, and we will fight for that apple-pie life Cas, because we fucking deserve it"

 

Dean did not know when his voice had started to shake, and he did his best to hide it as soon as it came to his attention. Cas, meanwhile, merely stared at him with a saddened look in his beautiful eyes. 

 

"I'm sorry I don't share your optimism just now, Dean. It's very hard for me to rejoice about my condition"

 

"Well in that case, we will work on that too. Even if it takes months, or years. I promise you, things will change... for the better" 

 

And in that moment, while Dean was holding Cas’ hand and feeling the comforting warmth of his lover’s skin on his own, it really felt like it would. 

 

OoO

 

"There, you're ready to start your first day at the gas'n'sip" Dean announced proudly, straightening Cas' electric blue fleece vest and admiring his handiwork. Cas was perfectly capable to dress himself, of course, but the poor guy had looked so terrified this morning that Dean had decided to help him get ready. He knew that the former angel had not slept well, tossing and turning all night long. Not that Cas had ever had a good night's sleep since he and Dean had started sharing a bed on a regular basis. He would usually settle down a little when Dean wrapped his arms around him, but the uneven breathing was a clear indicator that Cas would lay awake for hours. 

 

"Thank you for your help, Dean" 

 

The older Winchester merely smiled and placed a soft kiss on Cas' lips. His lover rarely initiated kissing, despite being the cuddliest son of a bitch Dean had ever come across. Any occasion Cas had he would snuggle up to Dean and stay there for hours without moving. Kissing, however... thinking about it, it had always been Dean who kissed Cas, and never the other way around. Dean would be lying if he said that thought did not bother him.

 

"You seemed a bit freaked out, so I made you breakfast. And I packed some sandwiches for you, as well. Make sure you eat them, yeah?" Dean tried to comb Cas' hair back with his fingers, but the rebellious locks would not stay in place if Cas' life depended on it. Still, the older Winchester enjoyed their softness and how it made his lover purr. The two men went to the kitchen and quickly ate their meager breakfast consisting of buttered toast and a cup of coffee. One thing about human Cas was that he had taken a liking to caffeine, and Dean was convinced that it contributed to his insomnia. However, it seemed to be the former angel's only real pleasure in life, and Dean did not have the heart to take that away from him. 

 

"I have this strange feeling in my stomach, Dean. I think I might be ill" 

 

"That's because you don't know what to expect from your first day on the job, Cas. It's nothing, it will go away over the next couple of hours. That's what happens to most humans when they're faced with new situations, it's your adrenaline pumping" Dean explained, trying to rationalize the scary new sensations Cas was feeling. The former angel nodded somewhat nervously, still not entirely reassured. Dean finished his coffee and went to embrace his anxious boyfriend after placing his empty cup in the sink. 

 

"You'll do great, babe, I know you will. So don't worry so much, and don't forget to smile. A friendly sales assistant is always good for business" 

 

"I don't understand how smiling correlates to better sales" Cas questioned with a confused frown plastered on his face. Dean refrained from sighing, kissing his lover's forehead instead. 

 

"Just smile, Cas. Sometimes all a person needs is a smile to make a shitty day seem a little bit brighter. It's the small things that keeps humans going. You'll find that out with time" 

 

Cas nodded solemnly at this, and Dean knew by the expression on the former angel's face that Cas took this new revelation to heart. Knowing that Cas would do absolutely everything to make the people around him happy brought a smile to the older Winchester's face. His big heart was truly what made Cas special, and it was for that reason that Dean could affirm with dead certainty that his angel would be ok. 

 

OoO

 

Dean had informed Cas in the morning that he would pick him up at the end of his shift, which was meant to be around 6pm. While Dean would always start work early in the morning and finish late in the afternoon, Cas’ shift would turn out to be a lot more irregular.

 

The older Winchester had been waiting in front of the gas’n’sip for thirty-five minutes, and the fact that Cas had still not showed up at 6.20pm started to worry him. His hunter instincts tingling, Dean decided to go check if everything was alright. Grabbing the colt and Cas’ angel blade out of the glove compartment, Dean stepped out of his car, discreetly hiding his weapons in the back of his jeans as he did so. He started walking casually towards the gas’n’sip, triggering a soft chime as he pushed the door inwards and hit the little bell just above the entrance. He quickly scanned the little shop, but noticed nothing unusual. The silence of the place was broken by the sound of cheesy songs playing through the rusty speakers.

 

It was almost too quiet.

 

“May I help you?” a female voice asked Dean, nearly making him jump out of his skin. Thankfully, the colt and angel blade had remained safely tucked in the back of his jeans. The woman with dirty-blonde hair smiled politely at Dean, who merely stared at her stupidly.

 

“Uh… no, I uhm… was just getting some gum” he bluffed, grabbing the first item off the shelf his hands could reach. Unfortunately, that item happened to be a pack of condoms rather than the not-so-desired gum. Dean felt himself blush a deep crimson when he realised his mistake.

 

“Of course…” the woman before him said with a tight smile, “just let me get my assistant”

 

Dean let out a relieved breath when the woman disappeared to the back of the store. The older Winchester only had to wait a couple of seconds before she reappeared with Castiel in tow. Dean’s breath involuntarily caught in his throat when he realised that Cas was alright… nothing bad had happened, no one had found him and tried to hurt him. In that moment, Dean thought to himself that if he wanted to build up Cas’ self-confidence, he would have to work on his own paranoia issues first. His worries were probably projecting onto the fallen angel.

 

“Hey Cas” Dean greeted him, only to see Cas tense up as the former hunter spoke his name. Only then Dean noticed the little burgundy tag that read ‘Steve’ in white letters.

 

“Cas?” the woman asked, clearly confused.

 

“Yeah, uh… it’s Turkish for… sweetheart. I’m Dean, Steve’s boyfriend”

 

“Yes, he’s been telling me all about you, although he omitted to say that you were from Turkey” the woman smiled at Dean, clearly buying his story, “you two just moved into town, did you? Welcome to Lawrence, my name is Nora”

 

“It’s nice to meet you” Dean thanked her with a flirty smile, hoping to God that his weapons would not fall out of his jeans. That would give this good woman the wrong impression. “You’ve been working here for long?”

 

“I manage the place” she explained shortly, guiding Cas to the cash register, “so Steve, when you scan the items, the price will come up automatically on the little screen here. To cash the customer in, you need to push this button, and then return the change that is due. Try it”

 

Nora stepped back, allowing Cas space to serve Dean. The former angel locked eyes with him, swallowing audibly which betrayed how nervous he truly was. He took a calming breath before managing a tense smile. Dean smiled back encouragingly, handing Cas the box of condoms and stifling a laugh when he noticed the tips of his lover’s ears turn a bright shade of pink. Cas scanned the item and placed it onto the counter, his eyes never leaving the screen. When the price appeared on the screen like Nora said it would, Cas turned his attention back to Dean.

 

“That will be $15.99”

 

Dean was glad he and Cas did not usually use condoms, because holy crap those things were expensive. Handing his lover a $20 bill, Dean made sure that their fingers brushed against each other, sending a chill up his arm. Cas put the green bill in the register drawer and fished out the change, which he promptly handed to Dean.

 

“Thank you for your purchase, and have a nice day” Cas finished, maybe a bit mechanically, but Dean felt proud of him nonetheless. His angel would be fine. There was no reason to worry.

 

“That was very good, Steve” Nora told him, placing a hand on his shoulder, “you did well today. I think I can relieve you of your duties”

 

Dean could tell that Cas was chuffed by the compliment the way his chest puffed out with pride. All tension melted as he shot Dean a gummy smile, which made the former hunter’s heart race in his chest. Yeah, Dean had nothing to worry about. Cas would be just fine. All he needed to do was to believe that he could achieve great things, even if he was not an angel anymore.

 

TBC.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean was at work that morning when he received a call from his brother. 

 

"Hey Sammy, how you doing man?" he asked when he answered the phone, a large goofy smile on his face. He had missed Sammy loads since they had gone their separate ways, and with all the prep his brother had to do for law school, Dean had often left it to Sammy to call whenever he had the time. Dean certainly would not be going anywhere, and he was by far more flexible with his time than his brother was. 

 

"I'm very busy all the time, you know... studying, doing research... reminds me of our hunting days, only less blood and more dust" his brother told him with a soft chuckle.

 

"You'll rock it, Sammy. I know you, you're smart. If anyone can manage to get into a snooty law school it's gotta be you"

 

"Thanks man. Actually, I was calling you for something else. I got news for you" 

 

Dean's instincts instantly came back kicking, immediately assuming that Sammy’s news for him would be bad ones. The former hunter tensed, his jaw tightening as he clenched his teeth involuntarily. 

 

"I met someone, Dean" 

 

Well, of all the things Sammy could have told him,  _that_ had been very far down Dean's list. His jaw dropped slightly in surprise, and for several seconds he did not know how to respond. The instant relief he felt knowing that Sam was fine was too overwhelming to think straight for a fraction of a second.

 

"Dean?"

 

"Yeah, I'm still here, sorry I... that's awesome news, Sammy. What's the name of the lucky woman?" 

 

"Her name is Alice. She works in the library I go to every day to study. We started talking and we hit it right off... and before you ask, yes she's human, yes I checked, and no we haven't been on a date yet"

 

"Great, good stuff, and why the hell not?" Dean asked, sounding slightly incredulous when he spoke these last words. 

 

"You know uh... just want to take things slow... make sure I really like her so I don't lead her on" Dean remained unconvinced with his brother's reply. 

 

"Cut the bull crap. I know exactly why you haven't asked her out yet. You're worried that there's something still lurking in the dark, aren't you?" 

 

There was a silence at the other end of the line, and Dean knew then that he had guessed right. He really could not blame Sam for being cautious considering his disastrous relationship record. 

 

"Sammy, you're acting like a paranoid bastard" 

 

"Takes one to know one... come on, you can't tell me that you don't worry about yours and Cas' safety..." 

 

Touché. Dean knew that he could not argue with that. He was still suspicious of new people he met, and he had secretly drawn several demon traps and angel wardings all around the house just in case the sons of bitches decided to pay him and Cas a visit. Dean had even used invisible ink so Cas would not feel like he was in danger. Did that count as lying?

 

"Look man, we are retired. We should not be worrying about this crap anymore" Dean told Sam, not acknowledging the fact that he, too, was not entirely comfortable leading a normal life. 

 

"We can't forget all the shit that happened to us, though. We will never be able to stop worrying, because we know what's out there. And this time with Alice, I won't make the same mistake I made with Jess. I want to get to know her enough so I can tell her who I was before we met and what I used to do. And most importantly, what’s out there…" 

 

"Well, the best way to get to know her is ask her out on a date... man, it doesn't even have to be anything fancy, just invite her for a cup of coffee or for a walk in the park. Just take it slow, but ask her out before some other guy does. Take your chance while it’s still there, man" 

 

"It's not that easy..." Sam tried to argue, but Dean would have none of that. 

 

"It is, Sammy. Either you let our past as hunters always get in the way of your happiness, or you suck it up and you go talk to that chick and invite her out for coffee. If it turns out you don't like her as much as you thought, at least you will have found a friend. It's your choice" 

 

Dean wished he could apply this advice to his own situation, but Sam did not have to know about the nightmares he and Cas were still having from before they decided to retire. Sam deserved to be happy, just like Cas deserved to be happy, and Dean would do everything in his bloody power to make sure that the two most important people in his life could create new memories to replace the traumatizing experiences they had gone through. 

 

"You're right. Thanks, Dean. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that" 

 

"Oh, I know. The only reason you call me is to get relationship advice, bitch" Dean joked in an attempt to ease the tension. Sam laughed at the statement.

 

"How are you anyway, jerk? How's Cas doing?"

 

"I'm fine dude, the job at the garage is going well. And Cas, well... he started that job at the gas'n'sip what, three weeks ago? He seems to be doing alright there, too. But he's... he's sad, man. And I get it, he lost his wings and his grace, and all that but... I don't know, I guess I hoped that by now he would have settled in a bit better"

 

"I don't think it's so much the fact that he's sad... Dean, that poor guy must be terrified. I mean, how do you think you would feel if you realized that you lost the ability to protect your family and yourself from monsters? His grace was his safety net, especially when it came to protecting us. He must be terrified that someone will come after him, or worse, after you and me. And if that happens, he won't be able to stop them"

 

That made sense and Dean felt like kicking himself for not considering this earlier. Sure, Cas was scared that the angels would come after him, but the older Winchester had never once considered that Cas would be worried about him and Sam, too. Now that he gave the idea some thought, he felt like an absolute idiot for not considering Cas' protective instincts. When he still had his mojo, he could annihilate any enemies he wanted in less than a second. Now, without his powers and ability to zap to Dean or Sam if they were ever in danger, the former angel must feel worse than powerless... he must feel properly useless to Dean and Sam. Suddenly, it hit the older Winchester why Cas had told the gas'n'sip manager his name was Steve... it was not so much out of fear that other angels would find  _him_ , but that they would associate the name Cas with Dean. 

 

"I'm such a clueless dick sometimes..." Dean commented, more to himself than to Sam. 

 

"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself"

 

"I don't know how to help Cas, and I hate seeing him like this. He's not our Cas anymore... he's not  _my_  Cas"

 

"Well, maybe you could teach him how to shoot a gun? That might boost his confidence a bit?" Dean was speechless for several seconds, wondering why he had not been the one to come with that brilliant idea.

 

"You're not a future law student for nothing, Sammy. Don't ever let anyone tell you you're just a pretty face" 

 

"Yeah, love you too jerk" Sam joked, the grin audible in his tone, "I have to go now, but I'll give you a call next week if you’re free?" 

 

"I’ll always make time for you. And that call better include details about your date with that Alice girl" Dean warned half-heartedly. 

 

"Yeah Dean, whatever” 

 

OoO

 

“So, what movie do you want to watch tonight then?” Dean asked Cas after they were done loading the dish washer with their empty plates and used cutlery. His lover shot him a sheepish look, shrugging his shoulders as the faintest of hopeful smiles pulled at his lips.

 

“We could maybe watch _Bee Movie_ tonight?” Cas asked, his eyes shining with excitement at the possibility. Dean could not have said no had he tried; seeing Cas so obviously thrilled by the thought of watching a Disney cartoon about bees warmed his heart to the point of combustion.

 

“Fine, we’ll watch your movie” Dean agreed, feigning annoyance but secretly loving the bright grin that he could see on Cas’ handsome face, “go get settled and I’ll bring some snacks and beer through”

 

Cas very nearly ran to the living room, a small spring in his step. Dean could not hold back the small chuckle that escaped him at the sight. Netflix and chilling had been their evening routing for the past week since Dean had bought their TV with his first salary, like promised. So far, they had watched more Disney movies than Dean would own up to. Not that the older Winchester minded, as long as Cas was happy.

 

“Spicy Doritos, or salt and vinegar babe?” Dean shouted out to his lover in the living room, holding both packets in his hands until he got his answer.

 

“Do we still have pickled onion monster munch?” Dean rolled his eyes, checking he cupboards for the desired item.

 

“Yeah, we do”

 

Dean emptied two packets of monster munch chips into the bowl, and grabbed two cold beers out of the fridge before heading to the living room, where Cas was already wrapped up like a burrito in a fluffy beige throw. Dean put the bowl in Cas’ lap and uncapped the two bottles of beer with his bare hand before settling on their couch. As old-fashioned and ugly as it was, Dean had to admit that at least, it was comfy. Cas pressed play on the remote and cuddled into Dean’s side, his head resting on Dean’s chest as the former angel munched on his chips.

 

The movie was entertaining enough, but Dean only had eyes for Cas. The way his eyes lit up at the sight of this tiny awkward bee interacting with a human was truly endearing. In a way, Barry was very much like Cas, learning how to act around humans. Only that Cas had become human, and things looked different from that perspective. The way his lover smiled whenever that stupid bee talked did irritate Dean, although he knew that it was ridiculous to be jealous of an animated character in a movie.

 

“This movie is very enjoyable” Cas commented absent-mindedly, shooting the empty bowl of chips a disappointed look. Dean merely hummed, enjoying the way Cas’ eyes wrinkled when he laughed. His laugh was a beautiful sound… and far too rare. Dean wondered if Cas would ever laugh like this at one of his stupid jokes.

 

“It’s cute” Dean agreed, still not looking at the screen. Cas placed the empty bowl on the coffee table and replaced it with the still full bottle of beer, wrapping his lips around the tip and tilting it back to take a sip. This simple gesture looked so fucking _hot_ Dean thought he would melt right then and there.

 

They finished the movie in silence, Dean still paying more attention to his lover than to the talking bee. Cas, however, looked properly thrilled and even when the end credits were playing, the smile that had been plastered on his face since the start of the movie remained. Dean could not help but place a soft kiss on the corner of Cas’ mouth. The gesture pulled Cas out of his trance, and Dean’s heart leaped in his chest when he noticed his lover’s smile soften when their eyes met.

 

“Hey Cas, can I ask you something?”

 

“Of course, Dean”  

 

“See, I’ve been thinking about something we could do together at the weekends. Would you be interested in learning how to shoot a gun?”

 

Judging by the surprised expression on Cas’ face, the former angel had not been expecting that sort of request. Dean tried to swallow the lump in his throat, suddenly feeling self-conscious about the proposal. Against all odds, Cas cuddled up to Dean once again and nodded softly.

 

“I would like that very much. I think it would give me a sense of security”

 

Although the former angel did not sound entirely convinced, Dean took it as a step in the right direction. The two men ended up falling asleep on the couch, feeling safe and warm in each other’s arms.

 

OoO

 

“I thought we’d start you off with a Smith and Wesson Model 586. It’s a neat size for beginners” Dean explained to Cas as he handed him the carbon steel gun, “but before you start shooting, some safety checks are in order”

 

“I don’t understand why we had to come to this field rather than go to a specialized establishment which employs professionals…” Cas questioned, his brow furrowed as he wrapped his fingers around the wooden grip.

 

“Who better to teach you than me? I’ve been handling guns since I was seven. I’m a professional too, you know” Dean sounded slightly hurt as he said this.

 

“I never meant to make you feel like you did not know your way around firearms, Dean. I was just wondering if this was really safe…”

 

“As safe as it’s ever gonna be in a life-threatening situation” Dean rubbed his hands together before stepping closer to Cas, “now, you need to make sure that when you’re loading your gun you are facing away from your own body to avoid injuring yourself by accident. Just to be safe, keep your finger off the trigger until you shoot, alright?”

 

“Alright”, Cas agreed, listening attentively to Dean’s every word.

 

“Now, do you see the release on your left just behind the cylinder? Press that to open the cylinder, it should swing open to the left”

 

Cas located the required release and managed to open his gun’s cylinder, noticing that Dean had loaded six bullets into the little chambers. Happy with that, Cas pushed the cylinder back in place.

 

“Okay, now onto the position” Dean went to stand behind Cas, gently sliding his leg between Cas’ until his legs were shoulder-width apart, “this is where your feet should be at all times when you’re learning to shoot. You will feel the majority of the recoil in your arms and hands, so this position will give you stability”

 

Dean placed one hand over Cas’ right one, making him grip the gun firmly.

 

“This is your dominant hand, you wrap that one around the handle. If your hand is too low on the handle, you will feel the recoil more. So make sure you have a firm hold of it”

 

Dean reached for Cas’ left hand and placed it as a support around his lover’s dominant hand already holding the gun safely, explaining the process as he went. Dean then proceeded to push Cas’ hands away from him until his arms were stretched before him.

 

“Now, this is a double-action revolver, so you don’t have to cock it before shooting. Just aim for any of the empty tins I set up” Dean let go of Cas’ hands and stood parallel to him, pointing first at the front of the gun and then at the back, “This is the front blade. Place that blade on the target…”

 

Cas did as he was told, closing one eye so he could focus his sight as much as he could. Once he was pleased with the positioning of the blade on the target, he informed Dean.

 

“Now, don’t focus on the target, just on the blade. Make sure you concentrate on where the blade is. Any small movement can alter the path of your bullet, got it?”

 

“Got it” Cas said, keeping his focus on the front sight even if it meant the target looked rather blurry.

 

“Okay, now put your finger on the trigger, but don’t shoot yet. Listen very carefully. Before you shoot, I want you to take three deep breaths. Be aware of your breathing, and ideally shoot between two breaths. No matter what you do, just relax, alright?”

 

“Okay, Dean”

 

“And when you shoot, pull the trigger gently so you don’t alter your aiming. Your position will absorb the recoil, so don’t worry too much about it. Whenever you’re ready, champ”

 

Cas did as Dean told him and took three deep breaths, making sure to readjust the front blade onto the target whenever he felt that it had moved. Dean was aware that he was staring, but he put it down to cautiousness (it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Cas looked super hot holding a gun). When Cas pulled the trigger, the gesture looked so graceful that any outsider would have thought that Cas had done this all his life. Dean knew better, though. Cas was just a natural.

 

“That’s my boy” Dean whispered under his breath as the bullet hit the middle tin right in its center. When Cas lowered his gun, the surprised look on his face very nearly made Dean laugh out loud.

 

“I did it…” Cas exclaimed, “I did it! I shot a gun”

 

“How did it make you feel?” Dean enquired curiously, discreetly prying the revolver free from Cas before he shot one of them by mistake. The former angel thought about the question for several seconds.

 

“It made me feel dangerous. I was holding a weapon that could have killed a man… or with the right bullets, a monster. But it could not have killed an angel…”

 

Dean’s smile faded as Cas spoke those words, realizing that his lover’s concern had not fully disappeared yet. That’s when Dean remembered that he still had Cas’ angel blade in his duffle bag. Raising his index finger in a silent order for Cas to stay put, the former hunter went to the Impala and pulled the angel blade out of the green bag, keeping it behind his back until he stood before Cas once again. Noticing Cas’ frown, Dean presented the former angel with his blade.

 

“You might have lost your mojo, but you could still easily beat me in close combat. This should be more useful to you than it will ever be to me” Dean explained, handing the blade to Cas. The latter’s hand shook slightly as he reached for his weapon, tears welling up in his eyes.

 

“You kept it… I thought… I thought you would have thrown it away, because… oh Dean, thank you”

 

Dropping the angel blade to the ground, Cas embraced Dean tightly and buried his face in the crook of his lover’s neck. Cas breathed in Dean’s scent, instantly relaxing against the his strong body. Dean wrapped his arms around his lover, kissing the top of his head tenderly.

 

“You’re welcome, Cas”   

 

TBC.


	4. Chapter 4

Halloween was fast-approaching. 

 

Dean had always loved that holiday when he and Sam were kids. He could not say for sure what it was, but he could only guess that on Halloween, everyone was surrounded by monsters and it was the only time of the year that Dean felt like he belonged to these normal people leading normal, uneventful lives. It was not just him who had to worry about the monsters hiding under his bed, but every other child on the planet, too. It was not only him who had to reassure his sibling that the monster would never come and get him, but tens of thousands of other kids, too. 

 

The monsters were very real, not that any of the kids that would be trick or treating on that night should ever find out. Dean had seen all kinds of beasts throughout the years, ranging from viciously murderous ones to those monsters that pretended to be your friend and then stabbed you in the back. Dean feared those the most. Cas had looked very confused when Dean had explained the trick or treating tradition to him. It was truly endearing how clueless the former angel still was, even after all those years spent roaming the earth. True, he had been busy trying to save humanity most of the time, but Dean thought that Cas would have noticed those little things more. 

 

Things had not been too busy at the garage, but Dean always found ways to make himself useful, much to his boss' pleasure.  _You are hardworking, Winchester_ , the burly man used to tell him, his Italian accent thick and pronounced,  _if you keep that pace up you might get a healthy bonus for Christmas._  This promise had been Dean's motivation. His plans to invite Sammy (and his maybe-not-so-platonic-friend Alice) to spend the holidays with him and Cas were always present in his mind. Although recently, Dean had started to wonder if Cas would want to celebrate Christmas. Frankly, it would remind him an awful lot of Heaven and his angel siblings.

 

Dean's musing was interrupted by a buzzing against his leg. He slid his phone out of his pocket and frowned when he noticed Cas' number on his screen. He did not usually call when he was at work. 

 

"Hey Cas" 

 

"Dean, hi it's Nora" 

 

Dean recognised the vaguely familiar voice of the gas'n'sip manager, and instantly his heart dropped in his chest. She sounded worried. Why was she calling him from Cas' phone? What was happening? Was he hurt? Without realizing, Dean had spoken all these questions out loud rather than thinking them, which had certainly sounded like a confused blabber to the woman on the other end. 

 

"Look, I don't exactly know what happened, but you need to come get Steve as soon as you can"

 

"Why, what happened?" Dean demanded to know, his tone harsh and leaving no doubt as to how freaked out he was. He quickly grabbed his jacket and quickly telling the junior mechanic that it was a family emergency and to take the remaining hours off his salary. The poor guy did not have time to react before Dean slammed the door in his face. He started fiddling with his car keys a little clumsily, realizing his hands were shaking.

 

"I don't really know. I was out for my break and when I came back I found Cas on the floor, crying and shivering. He was mumbling something unintelligible, I did not understand it. It was almost like he was speaking another language" Nora explained, her voice rushed and slightly trembling.

 

'Where is he now?" 

 

"Still on the floor, I could not get him to snap out of it. That's why I took his phone and called you. Please, you need to come he's really bad" 

 

"I'll be there in five"' the older Winchester told her, before hanging up and putting his foot down to the gas pedal. 

 

Dean was fully aware that at the legal cruising speed, it would have taken him fifteen minutes to get to the gas'n'sip. Dean could not have cared less, and he miraculously made it to his destination unscarred and unbothered by any patrolling police cars. He thanked whoever was responsible for this wave of good fortune and ran into the shop, ignoring Nora when she started talking to him. Dean's eyes immediately scanned the place for any sign of his upset lover. It did not take long for him to spot Cas, huddled in the far corner of the shop with his knees pulled to his chest and his face buried in them. His arms were wrapped protectively around his legs, which only made him look smaller. He was properly  _shaking_.

 

Cas had done nothing to deserve this.

 

“Hey Cas, baby”

 

Dean kneeled to Cas’ level, not realizing that his voice was capable of such softness. As the former hunter crouched awkwardly before his crying lover, he wondered what he would do if he did not manage to calm Cas down. Would he have to take him to hospital? Were they equipped to deal with broken angels? Had they ever learned how to sow wings back onto a man’s body in medical school?

 

Probably not.

 

“Castiel sweetheart, please look at me” Dean pleaded, not caring if Nora figured out that her employee’s name was not actually Steve. Let the angels come down and find them, let them try and ruin their happiness. They would have Dean to answer to. Over his dead body would he let them get to Cas, and even in death Dean would find a way to kill whoever tried to hurt his beautiful angel. Cas eventually raised his head slightly so he could look at Dean. The sight of those bloodshot azure eyes broke the former hunter’s heart. Hot tears were still streaming down Cas’ stubbly cheeks.

 

“Dean…”

 

Dean hated how broken Cas sounded. He loathed the strangled voice and the pitiful way his name had rolled off the former angel’s tongue. This was not how Dean had envisioned things. This was not meant to happen, Cas should have been happy. He _deserved_ to be happy.

 

“I’m here, sweetheart, don’t worry. Do you mind if I hold you?”

 

Cas shook his head, and that was all Dean needed to see. Gently, he came to sit next to his lover and pressed Cas’ ear to his chest so he could hear Dean’s heartbeat. The former hunter buried his nose in Cas’ hair, occasionally placing a loving kiss to his head.

 

“You’re okay, sweetheart, you’re okay. I won’t let anything get to you, I promise. Take deep breaths, that’s it. Let it all out, Cas, don’t hold anything back. I’m right here with you”

 

Dean knew he was not making much sense, but the sound of his voice seemed to relax Cas and truly that’s all that mattered at the moment. Explanations could wait until later. The only thing that was important to Dean was Cas snapping out of this state of panic. He never thought the former angel was capable of such fear. He used to be so strong, so impenetrable… panic attacks were already terrifying to humans. Dean could only imagine Cas’ fear when he had felt the first instances of panic settle in, especially when there was no stopping the fit.

 

“You are so brave, baby. You really are. You are doing so well, I promise. Anyone else in your situation would not have coped as well as you are. Believe me, you are the best, Cas. And I love you… I love you so much”

 

For the first time since he had stepped in the shop, Dean’s eyes met Nora’s, who looked lost at the sight of her employee in such a state. She stood awkwardly to the side, unsure of what to do or what to say. Dean offered her a reassuring smile, and still cuddling Cas close to his chest, he began justifying his lover’s behavior.

 

“He’s a veteran. PTSD is a bitch”

 

Technically, he was not lying. Cas used to be one of Heaven’s best soldiers in Dean’s humble opinion. A look of realization washed over Nora’s face, quickly followed by a round of rushed apologies. Dean shot her a confused look.

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for…”

 

“I… I mean, I should have guessed. This… oh, poor guy. My brother was in the army. He served for our country. I should have treated Steve with more respect, I never thought that he…”

 

“Don’t” Dean interrupted her, “please, he would not want you to feel that way. Adapting to this normal life is hard. We are both trying to find our place in this world”

 

“Well… if there is anything I could do for you, really anything at all… here, let me offer you your dinner. You can pick any item from the shop for free, it’s yours. This is the least I can do for you two…”

 

“We’re alright, thanks” Dean started arguing, never one to accept other people’s pity, but Nora turned out to be more stubborn than initially expected.

 

“Please Dean, I really like Steve… he’s a good guy. And I want him to know that I will support him. I know how hard it is to deal with someone who suffers from PTSD. Believe me, I do. I really want to help”

 

“That is very kind of you. We appreciate the gesture”

 

True to her words, by the time Dean managed to get Cas to stand up, Nora had packed nearly half the store in a bag for them. She carried it to Dean’s car while he made sure Cas did not trip over his own feet. The poor guy looked exhausted. The dark rings under his eyes were indicative of his insomnia. Dean vaguely heard Nora say that she would make sure to keep Cas on day shifts for a while so he could recover.

 

“Take care, boys. Cas has my number. Can you make sure he lets me know how he’s doing, you know… once he’s better”

 

Agreeing to her terms, Dean helped a very silent Cas into the car before taking place behind the wheel. Cas avoided looking at Dean, too ashamed of the state he had been found in. The former hunter could not deny that it hurt ever so slightly, but he knew how proud Cas could be.

 

“I’m sorry…” the former angel apologized almost inaudibly, pinching his lips together as he waited for Dean’s reply.

 

“Cas, please I’m begging you… don’t ever be sorry for allowing yourself to be human”

 

OoO

 

The rest of the day the two men had spent cuddling. As soon as Dean had gotten Cas home, he had put water to boil to make his lover a hot cup of that tea he loved so much. Nora had been very generous with her donation, and Dean could not help but feel relieved at the thought that they would have food at least. Money could be quite tight at the end of the month, and he really did not want Cas to go hungry. He did not want to be the kind of man who could not provide for his partner.

 

“So, do you know what triggered that panic attack?” Dean had asked his lover after hours of cuddling and making sure Cas was ok. The former angel shifted uncomfortably in Dean’s arms, but the older Winchester made sure to tighten his embrace to let Cas know that as long as Dean was here, nothing bad would happen to him.

 

“I… I’m not sure” Cas had finally said, tilting his head in a way that never failed to make Dean’s heart melt, despite the seriousness of the situation, “I… I was sweeping the floors and… this song started playing. The lyrics, they were…”

 

Cas stopped for a moment, swallowing the lump in his throat. Dean kissed his temps encouragingly.

 

“You don’t have to say it if it makes you feel sad, okay?”

 

“No, I want to talk about it. I won’t let it beat me…”

 

Dean managed a proud smile at the statement. There was the Cas he knew. This was the Cas he had fallen in love with. Even at his lowest, the former angel’s strength of character managed to shine through. Taking a steadying breath, Cas carried on:

 

“The lyrics, they were talking about… angels falling, and breaking their wings and… that’s all I remember, really. Next thing I know you were sitting in front of me calling my name”

 

Dean tried to think of what song Cas was on about. Taking out his phone, he googled for a while until he found a result that could potentially be what Cas had heard just before his panic attack. Curious, he read all the lyrics, smiling softly to himself.

 

“Do you want to hear the rest of the lyrics? I promise they’re not sad. They’re actually quite uplifting”

 

Cas looked up at Dean with puppy eyes rivalling even Sam’s. The complete and utter trust the former hunter saw in those azure orbs made his heart swell with pride and joy.

 

“I would very much like to hear them, then” Cas agreed, shifting until his chin rest on Dean’s chest as he placed his hand on his lover’s toned stomach. Dean tried to ignore the tingling feeling caused by his lover’s touch.

 

_When angels fall, with broken wings_

_I can’t give up, I can’t give in_

_When all is lost and daylight ends,_

_I’ll carry you and we will live forever, forever._

_The sun begins to rise and wash away the sky_

_The turning of the tide, don’t leave it all behind_

_And I will never say goodbye_

Dean had made sure to leave out the sad lyrics, concentrating on the positive message the song was trying to communicate. When his eyes met Cas’ once again, he noticed the shimmer in them. They glistened with unshed tears.

 

“I never realized that’s what the song was about…” Cas admitted softly.

 

“No, I get that now. Look Cas, there’s no shame in breaking down… you don’t have to be strong all the time”

 

Dean had not had the occasion to address what had happened at the gas’n’sip yet, and as much as he did not want to remind Cas of what had happened, he knew that they needed to address the big anxious elephant in the room.

 

“My mind is a dark place right now, you don’t want to be there…”

 

“Cas, that’s bullshit and you know it” Dean grabbed Cas’ chin between his thumb and forefinger, forcing him to keep making eye contact, “this dark place you’re talking about, I’ve been there. And what I said in the shop, I meant it. You are so brave, Cas. You are strong, too”

 

Cas let out a mirthless snort at the comment, looking away from Dean. Cupping his lover’s face gently, Dean brought the focus back to him.

 

“No, hear me out, Cas. You are strong, and you want to know why? Because every day, you wake up to a fight with yourself. You are battling yourself in there, and those battles are by far the bloodiest, most hurtful fights a human will ever have to face. Every day you get out of bed is a victory over yourself. Repeating that process every day is not determination, or stubbornness, but indeed courage. And I couldn’t be prouder of you for the courage you are showing”

 

Dean’s words seemed to touch Cas on a deep emotional level. His lips twitched as he tried to grasp the words to thank Dean for his kindness and comprehension. Dean shushed him with a soft kiss.

 

“I can’t give up on you, Cas. So please, don’t give up on yourself” Dean whispered, his forehead resting against his lover’s in an intimate gesture.

 

“Okay Dean” Cas said after a moment of reflection, “I promise you I’ll always keep fighting”

 

OoO

“Babe, come down I have a surprise for you” Dean shouted as he stepped through the door. It had been a week since Cas’ incident at the gas’n’sip and Dean had been happy to know that things that gone back to normal between him and Nora. She did not treat him like a sick person, like the two men had feared, although Cas had noticed her shooting him worried looks from time to time.

 

“Hello, Dean” Cas greeted him as he popped his head in the kitchen. Dean went to place a small peck on his angel’s lips, pulling Cas closer to him as he deepened the kiss. The soft moan that came out of his lover’s mouth was like music to Dean’s ears.

 

“Mmh, ready for your surprise?” the former hunter asked, smirking cheekily as Cas complained at the loss of contact.

 

“I thought you were my surprise” the former angel mumbled, seeking Dean’s warmth once again.

 

“As much as I would love to jump in bed with you right now… I really want you to see this first”

 

Cas pulled away from Dean, tilting his head in confusion and in a way that was just so uniquely Cas. It was so familiar that Dean instantly felt at peace. The former hunter motioned to a little cardboard box, its lid covered with tiny little holes. Cas’ frown only intensified as Dean informed him that this was his surprise.

 

“A holy box? Is that some kind of very bad pun?”

 

“No, you moonfruit, open the box” Dean explained, laughing slightly at Cas’ reaction. How could a grown man be so cute? That sort of thing should be illegal. Skeptically, Cas pulled the suspiciously heavy box closer to him and uncovered it carefully, almost as if he was worried something would jump at him. What he found there made his jaw go slack.

 

Inside the holy box sat a tricolored guinea pig, its nose twitching furiously as it curiously took in the new smells that invaded its nostrils. Cas shot Dean a look that could only be described as ecstatic.

 

“The cage is still in the impala, I went to the store and bought salad, carrots, guinea pig feed and nips, little toys…” Dean’s listing was interrupted by Cas crashing into him and enveloping him in the biggest hug the former angel had ever given him. The sudden outburst of joy brought a smile to Dean’s face.

 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you…” Cas kept repeating. Taking Dean by surprise, the former angel cupped Dean’s face and kissed him. It was the first time that Cas had initiated a kiss, and Dean did not care if he sported the world’s most goofy smile in that moment.

 

One step at a time, they would learn to be happy. As long as they had each other, Cas and Dean could learn to rule the world.

 

TBC.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU NOTICED THE CHANGE OF RATING. 
> 
> This chapter features explicit sexual content between two consenting male characters. Read at your own discretion. Skip this chapter if you do not want to read smut, but are still interested in this story. 
> 
> Thank you for your understanding guys.

If God created a guide to being human, covering oneself up when it got colder and wetter outside should feature in _at least_ one of the chapters. At least, that’s how Dean Winchester saw it.

 

Some people think they know the whiniest sick person the earth has ever seen. We all know that friend who takes a day off work because of a runny nose, or that friend who runs to the pharmacy as soon as his friend complains about stomach cramps… not because they worry about their friend mind you, but because they do not want to be infected themselves. Sounds familiar? Exactly. Everyone has that friend.

 

Clearly, those people never had to look after a sick fallen angel of the Lord.

 

Cas had fallen ill for the first time three days before Thanksgiving. Thankfully, Sam had decided to stay with him and Dean for a short while, and Dean had to admit that his brother had been a much-needed help in these times of need. Two days ago, just before Sam’s arrival, Cas had felt the effect of the colder weather. Failing to dress appropriately to go to work, the first symptoms of the flu had manifested on the evening before Sam was meant to arrive in Lawrence. Cas had first pointed out how cold he was. Dean had thought nothing of it to begin with, merely cranking up the heating and wrapping Cas in a cosy blanket to warm him up. Only when his lips had touched his lover’s boiling forehead did Dean understand what was going on.

 

And he was not looking forward to telling the former angel that he was probably coming down with a cold.

 

Just like expected, Cas’ reaction had been nothing less than dramatic. First, the fallen angel had _pouted_ , expecting Dean to remedy the situation as soon as possible and acting offended and hurt when the older Winchester told him that there was not much he could do. The worst part, however, had been when Dean had to reassure Cas that he was not dying, and that the flu was rarely fatal to humans. Boy, had that been the wrong things to say. The older Winchester had had the immeasurable _pleasure_ to hear a long – oh, so very long – lecture on the damages and losses caused by the influenza in the early twentieth century.

 

“Cas, that was a bloody pandemic, nowadays we have medicine that will help you feel better”

 

“Tell that to the approximate 50 million lives that pandemic took, I’m sure they would be glad to hear that _nowadays_ they would have survived and lived a long, prosper life” Cas had spat, glaring daggers at his lover.

 

Who would have thought that Cas could be so mean?

 

It was the morning of Thanksgiving, and Cas’ soft snoring sounded like music to Dean’s ears. The fallen angel had not managed to fall asleep until around two or three in the morning, which meant that Dean had not slept either. The fact that Cas was still lost in peaceful slumber was a blessing to Dean, and it was for that reason that he tried not to make a single sound as he slipped out of bed and shut the door behind him. Unsurprisingly, Sam was already up cooking a healthy hippy breakfast while facetiming his _not_ -girlfriend Alice.

 

“Okay, well I’ll let you get back to your family then, handsome” Dean heard her say over the tablet, “talk to you later”

 

“Yeah, I’ll message through the day beautiful. Talk to you soon”

 

Dean waited for a couple more seconds before entering the kitchen, not wanting to appear like he had been spying on the two. Sam raised his head when he heard his brother’s footsteps and offered him a small smile.

 

“Hey man, how are you?”

 

Dean merely groaned in response, pouring himself a large mug of coffee and ignoring Sam’s small chuckle. The older Winchester scrunched his nose up at the sight of his brother’s spinach omelette.

 

“Honestly, you have to be kidding me dude. What’s wrong with scrambled eggs and bacon?”

 

“Spinach is good for the mind, and I’ve been watching my diet recently” Sam justified, staring at Dean with slight exasperation.

 

“Oh yeah, Alice keeping you on your toes, is she?” Dean asked, grinning cheekily at his brother, who merely rolled his eyes at the comment and carried on eating his breakfast in silence. Dean was not ready to drop the subject that easily.

 

“So, are you gonna tell me why you haven’t invited her for Thanksgiving?”

 

“Because we are just dating and I want to make sure we’re serious before introducing her to you and Cas”

 

Sam avoided Dean’s eyes, which to the older brother was an indication that there was more to his reluctance than first met the eye. Dean was determined to find out what was wrong.

 

“It’s about Jess, isn’t it” the older Winchester stated matter-of-factly. Sam stopped his chewing, stunned by his brother’s words. Dean instantly knew that he had hit a sensitive nerve.

 

“Not everything is about Jess” was the only reply the taller of the two managed, before returning to his breakfast although having clearly lost interest in it.

 

“Cut the crap, Sammy. It is about her. You don’t want to take things too far with Alice because you still think about Jess”

 

“I don’t want to talk about this right now, dude. Just drop it, alright?”

 

Sam sounded tired, not for lack of sleep, but rather an emotional tiredness. Dean sighed heavily, knowing that something was wrong with his little brother, but unable to help him process these emotions he was feeling.

 

“All I’m saying is that she would have wanted you to be happy, okay? That’s all.”

 

“Don’t pretend that if Cas died you would be able to forget him and move on with someone else. Just don’t.”

 

Sam threw away his fork in frustration, causing it to land on the kitchen table with a loud clanking noise that would no doubt wake up the whole neighbourhood. The chair scraped loudly against the floor tiles as Sam pushed himself away, dumping his empty plate into the kitchen sink. Dean was surprised it did not shatter.

 

“I’ll go check on Cas. You might want to make him some tea” Sam suggested, his voice calmer but not any less annoyed.

 

“Yeah… I guess I should” 

 

Wordlessly, the older Winchester busied himself with brewing his sick lover some tea while silently hoping that his brother would find it in himself to let go of Jessica’s memory and be happy with this Alice girl.

 

 

OoO

 

“Dean?”

 

“What’s up, Cas?”

 

“Why do humans celebrate Thanksgiving?”

 

Dean stopped stirring his cranberry sauce for a fraction of a second, slightly taken aback by the question. To most Americans, it was obvious what this holiday was about. Even the name was self-explanatory, but sometimes Dean forgot how those little things confused the fallen angel of the Lord. Before Dean had a chance to tell Cas about the holiday traditions, Sam “the walking encyclopaedia” Winchester jumped in.

 

“Well, the first Pilgrims celebrated the first Thanksgiving in 1621 because they were grateful for the first harvest in the New World. They pretty much thanked God for a bountiful feast”

 

Cas’ confused head tilt made Dean smile ever so slightly. He would never tire of his lover’s quirkiness. Like a punch to the gut, Sam’s words from earlier that day came rushing back into his mind. Dean knew that his brother was right: if Cas had died from his fall, there was no way in the world that Dean could have moved on.

 

“Why would God worry about one harvest? They are ruled by natural phenomena” Sam shrugged his shoulders at that comment.

 

“Never hurts to be grateful though, does it”

 

“I guess not” Cas conceded.

 

“Nowadays people will try to do good deeds to show how grateful they are to God for the life they are leading. For example, many communities set up food drives that collect food for the less-fortunate. And there are certain religious communities that hold Thanksgiving masses” Sam explained, and Dean could not help but feel jealous at how Cas hung to his brother’s every word.

 

“Many families will also simply tell each other what they are most grateful for” Dean added his two cents to the conversation while turning the oven off after making sure the turkey was cooked to perfection. Cas turned to stare at him with wonder in his eyes.

 

“Can we do that today?” his lover asked him with childish excitement written all over his face.

 

“Of course we can” Dean agreed, placing a soft kiss on Cas’ head.

 

“I think that’s a great idea, Cas” Sam added, helping Dean set the table. Cas’ stomach rumbled loudly when the smell of freshly roasted turkey hit his nostrils. No matter how stuffed up he felt, the aroma was so overwhelming that even he picked up on it. Dean hoped that his lover would manage to taste the delicious meal he had prepared for him and his brother. Once the table was covered with enough food and drinks to feed an army, the three men sat down and Dean started loading their plates. Only when he felt Sam kick his shin under the table did the older Winchester look up.

 

“What?”

 

“Dean, what are you grateful for this year?” Sam asked his brother, staring pointedly at him. Dean suddenly understood where he had done wrong and cleared his throat nervously.

 

“Uh, right we’re doing this, well… I am grateful for this food on our table, for a roof over mine and Cas’ heads and for you guys… I’m just glad that we could all be here today for Thanksgiving, as a family”

 

When Dean glanced at Cas, he could see the raw emotion in his lover’s eyes. Sam, meanwhile, shot his brother a small, but proud smile. It made Dean feel slightly uncomfortable and awkward, but he decided to ignore these feelings and shift the attention to Sam instead.

 

“What about you, bitch? What are you grateful for?”

 

“I am grateful for having a brother like you” Sam told him after several seconds of silence, “a brother who helps me through college, who understands me like no one else can and who always knows the right things to say, even when I don’t want to hear them”

 

“No need to get all emotional, Sammy” Dean said with a smirk, although he felt something pull at his heart when he heard Sam’s words. He could not deny that it made him feel like the best friggin’ brother in the world.

 

“I mean it though, dude. Alright Cas, your turn”

 

Poor Cas looked utterly put on the spot judging by the slightly panicked expression in his eyes. Dean interlocked their fingers together, pressing his lover’s hand gently as Cas shot him an uncertain look. He hoped his gesture gave Cas the courage he needed to speak his mind.

 

“I am grateful for you” the former angel said, staring into Dean’s eyes and forgetting about Sam’s presence for an instant, “I am grateful for everything you’ve done, and I am also grateful that you did not send me away when I lost my wings. I can never thank you enough”

 

“Man” Dean said, trying to hide the emotion in his voice, “I thought Sam was the sappy one here”

 

“I don’t understand what you…”

 

“It doesn’t matter. Let’s just eat”

 

And so, the three men enjoyed their Thanksgiving meal, mostly grateful that despite all the things they had lost, they still had each other.

 

OoO

 

“How come I never met the old lady next door?” Dean asked as he was getting ready for bed. He heard Cas finish brushing his teeth and spitting the excess toothpaste down the drain before getting his answer.

 

“You were usually at work when I saw her. She likes our garden and gives me tips on how to tend to my vegetables. I know that she has no family left, so in accordance with the tradition of being charitable on Thanksgiving, I thought that she would appreciate our left overs rather than let them go to waste”

 

Dean could not help but chuckle fondly at his lover, and before Cas had a chance to ask what had Dean in such a good mood the older Winchester pulled him closer to his chest, pressing butterfly kisses all over the former angel’s face. His ministrations pulled an embarrassed giggle from Cas.

 

“Dean, stop that” his lover half-heartedly demanded, although Dean could feel him lean in closer.

 

“Nope… you are just too cute for words”

 

Dean’s hands teasingly tickled Cas’ sides, his kisses turning more passionate and becoming more focused on his lover’s lips. Cas let out a soft moan as his arms wrapped around Dean’s neck. Since his fall, Cas had rarely been in the mood for sex. Dean had put it down to all the adjustments they had had to make in their lives, and he did not resent Cas for it in the least.

 

“I’ve missed this” Dean admitted in a husky voice, feeling his penis twitch with arousal when Cas whined at the loss of Dean’s lips against his.

 

“Dean… I’m still ill… you’ll catch your death”

 

“Mm, good thing I’m not afraid to die then”

 

Cas’ reply was muffled by Dean’s lips, and it did not take long for the former angel to melt in his lover’s embrace. Cas’ strong arms came to rest around Dean’s neck as he deepened the kiss with fervour. Dean could not emphasise how much he had missed Cas’ taking an active part in their sex life. Before his fall, Dean had often allowed Cas to assume the dominant role. It had always been natural for Cas to take control, considering he had once commanded an army. Dean enjoyed being at the powerful angel’s mercy, especially when he knew that Cas would never let anything happen to him or do anything to hurt him.

 

“I need you, Cas. I need you so badly” Dean whispered urgently in the former angel’s ear, feeling his cock grow impossibly harder when he heard Cas’ guttural growl, “please baby”

 

It did not take much more to convince the former angel. Without breaking their kiss, Dean pulled Cas to the bed and let himself fall onto the mattress, taking in a shaky breath as he felt his lover slowly unbuttoning his shirt. As soon as Dean’s skin was revealed, large calloused hands wandered over it like they were discovering Dean’s body for the first time.

 

The former hunter remembered the first time Cas had been jealous. Dean and Sam had gone to a bar to celebrate a successful hunt, and a girl had been hovering around Dean all evening. Despite the hunter having no intention of taking the girl back to the motel, he still enjoyed the effect he had on her and allowed himself to flirt. At least, until Cas had appeared out of nowhere, glaring daggers at the attractive waitress as he stood close to Dean’s back. The former hunter remembered thinking that he was screwed. That had been an understatement bordering on euphemism.

 

Dean would never admit that out loud, but he missed dominant Cas. Ever since he had become human, Dean had been the one to take the lead in bed. The former hunter had recently decided to experiment a theory of his. He was convinced that being dominant in bed would boost Cas’ self-confidence, and Dean had vowed to himself that every chance he would get, he would try to get Cas to top.

 

It looked like he was being successful so far.

 

“I’m sorry for neglecting you recently, Dean” Cas interrupted his train of thoughts, placing wet kisses all over Dean’s chest, “I am going to make it up to you”

 

The promise, spoken so softly, made goose bumps rise on Dean’s skin. Cas’ hands quickly fiddled with his lover’s jeans, unfastening the belt dextrally before nearly ripping the denim off Dean’s body. The former angel’s lips found the growing bulge through Dean’s boxers, his tongue darting out and touching the soft fabric leaving a wet patch in its way. The debauched moan that came out of Dean’s mouth would have made any working girl and boy blush in embarrassment.

 

“Holy fuck, Cas, it feels so good…”

 

“What have I always told you about being blasphemous in bed, Dean?” Cas’ deep voice asked, his stern tone sending shivers of need down Dean’s spine.

 

“I’m sorry…” Dean apologised, only to feel Cas sharply nibble at his penis through the fabric of his boxers, “I’m sorry, sir” Dean corrected himself.

 

“You are forgiven, Dean…”

 

Cas’ teeth slowly pulled on Dean’s boxers, revealing his manhood in all its glory. His cock stood stiff and proud, pre-cum already leaking out of its tip. Cas’ tongue caught the drops with the tip of his tongue, the action sending jolts of pleasure coursing through Dean’s body.

 

“More, please Cas, I need more…”

 

“I know you do…”

 

Cas’ tongue started lapping at Dean’s whole length, his lips occasionally dropping scattered kisses on the sensitive tip. Dean’s chest heaved with his saccadic breaths and he could not help but groan in pleasure as Cas finally wrapped his lips around his cock and began gently suckling at his pink glans.

 

“Sweet mother of God…”

 

Dean let out a strangled cry when Cas’ fingers pinched his nipples hard enough to be painful.

 

“I am starting to think you are doing this on purpose…”

 

“What if I am?” Dean challenged, winking at Cas cheekily.

 

“Then you will not like the consequences, believe me”

 

Cas’ tone was dark, similar to the tone he had used the first time he and Dean had had jealous sex. _Did you find her more attractive than me, Dean? Do you really think a human could be more attractive than a divine being? Tell me, do you think she could make you feel the way I make you feel, Dean?_ The former hunter remembered those words like they had been spoken yesterday. But more importantly, he remembered the look in Cas’ eyes. The way his grace had shone through his eyes in pure anger and possessiveness. Damn, had the sex been awesome that night. Dean almost felt like trying his luck.

 

However, Dean also knew that Cas would not appreciate being disobeyed.

 

“I’m sorry, sir. It won’t happen again”

 

“It better not…”

 

Cas placed a final kiss on Dean’s twitching member before kneeling at the foot of the bed and spreading Dean’s legs so he could have better access to his opening. Feeling suddenly shy about being exposed in such a way – as had always been the case, mind you – Dean felt himself blush. He knew that Cas would do nothing but worship his body and no matter how harsh his tone would get, he would never do anything to hurt Dean. Only when the former hunter felt the wetness of Cas’ tongue against his opening did he finally let go of any tension in his body.

 

“Oh, Cas…” was all he could say as he let his lover prepare him for what was to come. Too busy working Dean open with his tongue and fingers, Cas did not acknowledge his lover. Not that Dean minded. He had other things on his mind. Soon enough, Cas was three fingers deep in Dean, and the former hunter began to feel the burn. His hiss instantly made Cas stop in his tracks.

 

“I’m fine, Cas…” Dean reassured his lover, not wanting to lose the feeling of his fingers in him, “I just need to get used to you…”

 

“Shh, it’s okay Dean. I got you”

 

The two of them lay still while Dean took several calming breaths meant to relax his muscles. It did not take long for him to lock eyes with Cas and nod as he felt like taking things to the next step. Cas gently retreated his fingers from Dean’s hole and spit in his hand before rubbing the saliva over his erected shaft, lubing it up before placing himself at Dean’s entrance.

 

“Are you ready to take me, Dean?” the former angel asked, his voice low and raspy with desire. Dean nodded, not trusting his voice at the moment, and tried to remain as relaxed as he could when he felt Cas push himself inside of him. The two fit together like puzzle pieces, and Dean was amazed at how easily his body adjusted around Cas. It was like their bodies recognised each other, and it made Dean feel at peace. It made him feel like he had come home.

 

“Just move, Cas, please…” Dean begged, not caring if he sounded needy or weak. He would gladly be vulnerable for Cas. He knew that he _could_ let his guard down around Cas. Even if he was not an angel anymore, he would not let anything hurt Dean.

 

Cas began thrusting slowly in and out of Dean’s body, clearly making an effort to hold back judging by the sheen of sweat covering his forehead. Although, it could also have been from the fever. Dean did not really worry about finding out. All that mattered in that moment was the feeling of Cas filling him. Dean did not let the fact that his brother was sleeping in the room next door stop him from being vocal. Cas felt too good inside of him. And the look of genuine pride and confidence he saw on his lover’s face was worth all the embarrassment and aches in the morning.

 

“Faster, please…”

 

“Say my name, Dean…” Cas demanded, picking up the pace.

 

“Cas… faster, Cas…”

 

“No…” the former angel stopped dead in his tracks, visibly fighting the urge to just pound into Dean, “my whole name…”

 

“Castiel…” Dean whispered with lust-filled eyes, licking his lips seductively, “take me hard, Castiel…”

 

With these words, the former angel started rocking his hips in and out of Dean, his movements getting more erratic as he neared his orgasm. Dean’s own orgasm took him by surprise, and Cas was not far behind him as he felt Dean’s muscles tighten around his cock. When the two men had spent themselves, Cas let himself fall on top of Dean, kissing his lover’s sweaty hair lovingly.

 

“Damn… I love you” Dean told Cas, feeling genuinely happy.

 

“And I love you, Dean. So very much”

 

TBC.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: triggering content
> 
> Thank you all for the positive feedback so far. I have a lot in store for Cas and Dean. Can't wait to share it with you guys. 
> 
> You are the best. 
> 
> xx

_I want you to live this new life to the fullest. Find a wife. Make babies. And when you die and your soul comes back to Heaven, come find me. Tell me your story._

Those words still resonated in Cas’ mind every night when he closed his eyes to go to sleep. The sound of Metatron’s voice still sent chills down his spine, even though it was just a memory. Cas hated that he could not forget what the scribe had done to him. He hated that he could not learn to love his new life as a human. A life he now shared with Dean as lovers, as partners in crime…

 

He could not find happiness in this life, even with Dean by his side.

 

The angel brought the sharp edge of the angel blade to his wrist and applied pressure to his skin. His blood gathered at the corner of his wound and fell in heavy drops onto the tiles of the bathroom. The pain was oddly relieving. Cas felt ashamed. If Dean found him in that position, he would be disappointed. He might even send Cas away. How could Dean be blamed… who would want to deal with a self-harming former angel of the Lord?

 

“Cas, are you in there?” the former angel heard his lover ask through the door, not suspecting what was happening behind the locked door. Cas tried to steady his breathing before answering.

 

“Yes Dean, I am just having a bath”

 

Which was not a lie. Cas could never lie to Dean. Fair enough, he was not telling the whole truth, but it was solely for the sake of not worrying his lover. Dean would often neglect himself in order to take care of others. Cas admired that selflessness, but he was not worth it. He would never be good enough for Dean. Not when he was broken in every sense of the word.

 

“Sounds fun… mind if I join you?”

 

Dean’s tone was suggestive, but Cas felt no desire to have sex. Who would want to touch his bloody and scarred body? Dean would be disgusted if he saw him like this. Cas had lost a lot of weight since becoming a human, and Jimmy’s strong stature had wasted away to a scrawny, pitiful figure. How could Cas disrespect his vessel in such a way? Jimmy had given up everything for him, the least he could have done was take care of his meat suit.

 

He had not even been able to do that.

 

“Cas, are you okay in there?”

 

Cas did not answer, not trusting his voice. Instead, he brought the blade to his thigh and cut so deep he hissed in pain as he dropped the weapon to the ground. The clanking sound must have triggered something in Dean, for suddenly Cas heard a loud banging on the door. He vaguely heard Dean shout his name, although Cas felt his eyelids grow heavier and heavier.

 

Castiel let himself sink further into the warm water until his face was submerged. He couldn’t hear anything but the sound of his own heartbeat thumping steadily in his chest. It was soothing, calming… he enjoyed the appeasing silence. He wished he could live underwater forever. It gave him a sense of peace. It made him forget about reality. Cas felt himself grow sleepy. He had been tired for a long time, no matter how much he slept.

 

Cas felt something – or rather someone – grab his shoulder and pull him up. The sudden intake of breath overwhelmed Cas’ lungs, the organs burning as the air filled them, which caused Cas to cough violently. The bath water had turned a pinkish colour. Cas could barely perceive his surroundings through his teary eyes.

 

“Breathe, Cas… you’re okay, you’re safe”

 

Castiel hated himself. How could Dean still be kind to him? Cas was beyond saving. Why would Dean even bother? Spare your efforts, you beautiful man, just invest your energy in someone who is worth the shot. Cas? Cas was not worth it anymore.

 

He was tainted. Broken. Damaged in more ways than one.

 

“It’s okay Cas, I got you. Shh… don’t worry, baby, I’m here. You’re safe, I’ll take care of you”

 

No, don’t do that, Dean. There is no point. It’s too late now. Run while you can.

 

“Cas, don’t close your eyes, ok? Stay with me, I’ll take care of you”

 

Cas felt himself being lifted from the tub and wrapped in a fluffy towel. He tried to keep his eyes open. The smell of blood reached his nostrils and made him feel slightly sick. The sensation worsened when Cas also caught a whiff of sanitizing alcohol.

 

“I’m gonna make sure your wounds are clean” Dean explained, applying the alcohol to Cas’ skin. The burning sensation made Cas hiss as he pinched his eyes shut. He could hear Dean apologising profusely. The former angel wanted to tell him that he had nothing to be sorry for. He had not done anything wrong.

 

Cas was the one who had messed up. Everything.

 

“There we go baby, all done. You’re gonna be okay, just stay with me Cas, please”

 

Dean’s voice was Cas’ anchor. He kept awake just for the sake of hearing Dean speak softly to him. There was no roughness to his tone, no anger in his voice and no indication that he was disappointed in Cas.

 

“I’ll use bandages to cover them up so they remain clean, alright sweetheart?”

 

Cas managed a small nod. Dean’s hands worked around his wrist and thighs, wrapping the bandages tightly around the damaged areas. Cas wished his lover could do the same to his heart. Not before long, the former angel was being carried to their bed. Gently, Dean lowered Cas onto the soft mattress and covered him with the blankets. It still felt too cold until Dean climbed in bed with him and wrapped his arms protectively around his shivering body. It took Cas several minutes to realise that he was not shaking from the cold, but rather from the sobs racking his body.

 

“It’s okay baby, just let it all out. I’m not going anywhere”

 

Cas turned around in Dean’s embrace, burying his face in the crook of his lover’s neck. Hot tears soaked the older Winchester’s t-shirt, but he did not really care. And Cas did not seem to notice. It felt like he was crying for an eternity until the flow of tears finally stopped.

 

“I love you, Cas” Dean whispered in his ear, “I love you so much, don’t ever doubt that”

 

“I’m broken, Dean” Cas’ voice sounded raspy and strangled from crying so much.

 

“You are not broken, sweetheart. I can’t even imagine the hell you must be going through right now, and how scared you must be, but listen to me…” Dean cupped Cas’ face in his strong hands and stared into the former angel’s azure orbs, “if you feel like things are getting too much to handle… please, just come to me. Please, I’m begging you. You don’t have to fight this battle alone, Cas. I will be your sidekick. I will do everything, but I can’t risk losing you to your dark thoughts. I won’t let that happen. You never gave up on me, even when I was being a dick to you. It’s my turn to protect you from your demons”

 

Cas did not have the strength to speak. Dean’s words touched him. His non-judgemental attitude towards his self-harm was reassuring. The last thing he needed to hear was how stupid he was for hurting himself. In that moment, Cas missed his grace the most. He missed being able to bask in Dean’s radiant soul. He had not seen it since his fall, and Dean would never understand how much Cas missed the sight.

 

No one would ever understand.

 

“I don’t know if I can do this much longer, Dean”

 

“Yes, you can. And you will” Dean assured him, his voice stern yet comforting, “I will not allow you to give up, do you understand? True, being a human might suck for you. But there are so many things you still need to experience. And Cas, you might not have thought of this before, but I like the thought of us growing old together. Maybe Sammy will have kids one day, who will have their own kids… and they’ll be visiting us, and having sleep-overs while I complain about how much energy they have and you get nostalgic about them growing up too fast. It might seem silly to some, but to me… that’s what Heaven looks like. A life by your side, until we’re old and grey”

 

At this, Cas looked up at this beautiful human, who was so compassionate and understanding, and who was determined to make this work. Dean had the emotional strength of a thousand men in his heart. He was strong for the both of them, and it made Cas feel safe. It made him feel loved.

 

OoO

 

“Look Sammy, I know it’s a long shot, but it might be worth it?” Dean tried to convince his brother about his plan, but even over the phone the older Winchester could feel Sam’s reluctance.

 

“I don’t know, Dean… there must be another way, this seems far too crazy to work”

 

“Well, if you can think of another way then please Einstein, fire in” Dean snapped, instantly regretting it. Rubbing his neck nervously, the older Winchester let out an irritated sigh before apologising to his brother.

 

“Dean, look I get that finding Cas like that must have been a shock, but…”

 

“A shock? Sammy, you say that like Cas just fell down the stairs and dislocated a knee, man. He was purposefully _hurting_ himself and I found him trying to drown himself. He was ready to end his life. I was beyond the state of shock… I was…”

 

 _Scared_. Dean had been terrified. And no matter how much he wanted to open up to Sam, he could not bring himself to speak out those words. He did not have to, for his little brother could read him like an open book.

 

“Dean, I don’t want you to get your hopes up, that’s all. Your plan might not work, you are aware of that right?”

 

“Yeah… but I’m out of options” Dean admitted in defeat, leaning his forehead against the window and staring out in their garden where Cas was diligently tending to his onions, asparagus and winter salads. The former angel looked at peace in nature. Any outside observers would never think that this man had attempted suicide the night before.

 

“Okay, well I’ll do some research and send you everything I find”

 

“Thanks, Sammy. Talk atcha later”

 

Dean hung up and let his arm hang at his side, his eyes not leaving Castiel’s form hunched over the vegetable patch. Despite the winter settling over Kansas, their garden was blooming with pansies and heathers, flowers that coped well with the colder temperatures as Castiel had explained a couple of weeks back when Dean had been made to buy flower seeds. Vibrant shades of pink, purple and yellow brought colour to the usual grey days. Cas’ garden made every housewife in the neighbourhood jealous. It brought a proud smile to Dean’s lips every time he noticed the envious looks their front garden got from by-passers. Oh, and by the way… that perfectly mowed lawn and the cute hand-crafted bench? All Dean’s doing.

 

Shaking his head softly, Dean threw his phone onto the couch and slipped his hoodie on before joining Cas outside. He had been out there for a while, and it was starting to get cold. Dean did not want to repeat the experience of tending to sick Castiel. It had not been a walk in the park, that was for sure.

 

“Hey Cas, what do you say we go inside and get comfortable?”

 

Cas started when he heard Dean’s voice speak to him, clearly not expecting his lover to disturb him. The dark circles under his eyes contrasted with the blueness of his irises. Cas looked exhausted. He was not sleeping at all, and Dean felt helpless. He wished there was some way he could help his angel find some peace, at least enough so he could rest for at least a couple of hours. Damn his bloody insomnia.

 

“I’d rather stay outside a bit longer”

 

With those words, Cas returned to his onions. Dean was convinced the former angel was merely moving the soil from one end of the patch to the other, but he refrained from voicing that thought out loud.

 

“You’ve been working all day, Cas. I get it’s your day off, but even though you’ve been here all day I’ve missed your presence… please come inside and let me take care of you”

 

“I do not NEED you to take care of me, Dean” Cas spat, the bitterness in his voice catching Dean off guard. The glare that was directed at him hurt, not that Dean would ever show it, “I am a grown man. I don’t need a babysitter. Don’t worry, I will not try to kill myself with the rake”

 

Without as much as a second glance, Cas turned his back on a dumbfounded Dean. It took several seconds for the former hunter to snap out of his surprised state and walk back inside their shared home. He had rarely seen Cas so angry, and much less had that anger ever been directed at him. Dean did not understand the reaction, not for lack of trying. He wanted to be understanding and supportive, but Cas was making it difficult. Dean had been nothing but helpful and nurturing since his lover had become human. He had not deserved this kind of reaction from Cas.

 

Deep down, Dean knew he could come up with at least one reason why Cas would be upset with him. Once a high-ranking divine commander, Cas had found himself growing steadily dependent on a human to teach him the basics of human life. That regression could understandably be taken as a blow to the former angel’s pride. Dean had never meant to ever sound patronising, or condescending… on the contrary, he had wanted Cas to feel useful. He wanted his lover to turn into an independent and self-reliant human being. Why could Cas not see that?

 

At this moment, Dean’s train of thought was interrupted by his phone buzzing loudly on the couch. When he went to check the device, he noticed three missed calls from Sam and a single text message that left the older Winchester speechless.

 

_It worked._

 

TBC.


	7. Chapter 7

Dean did not have the time to dial Sam’s number again before the distinct sound of ruffling wings reached his ears. Dean’s jaw tensed unmistakably as he gripped his phone tighter, his knuckles turning white under the pressure. The former hunter darted a glance at Cas, who was still tending to his garden outside. Dean was trying to think of ways to keep his angel safe, but as adrenaline pumped through his veins, all rational thoughts seem to flee his mind.  Deciding to face whatever son of a bitch had come to get them, Dean spun around slowly and was surprised to come face to face with the one angel he had never expected to see again his lifetime.

 

“Gabriel?”

 

“Hello-o Dean-o” the archangel greeted him, a big goofy smile plastered on his face and a white lollipop stick hanging out of his mouth, “how have you been, my freckled friend?”

 

“What the fuck are you doing in my house? How the fuck did you get past the angel wardings? Are you after Cas? You better not try and hurt him, or I swear to God I will kick your feathery ass into the middle of next week”

 

Dean meant to sound threatening, but the way his voice hitched towards the end of his rant ruined the effect he wanted to have on Gabriel. Judging by the archangel’s endeared expression, he felt about as threatened by Dean as a tiger by a kitten.

 

“Don’t act so surprised, you asked Sammy to send a coded message to angel radio…” Gabriel pointed out, shrugging his shoulders matter-of-factly.

 

“I’ll be damned if he found a way so bloody quick” Dean countered.

 

“He didn’t” the archangel explained, confusing Dean even more than he already was, “I happened to have been keeping an eye on you noobs for a while now. Ever since you retired, you two are acting like headless chickens… neither of you has a bloody clue how to act normal, and neither of you seem to have realized the incredible danger you have exposed yourselves to by leading this normal, predictable domestic life. So when I overheard your plan to reach out to any angel who was still potentially loyal to Castiel, I decided to intervene before you knuckle heads got yourselves killed with your carelessness”

 

Dean tried to remember where he had left the angel blade after confiscating it from Cas. It took him several seconds to notice that Gabriel was snooping around in his mind, and only when he met the archangel’s amused eyes did the former hunter realize that even he did know where the blade had gone, he would never be able to get to it quickly enough.

 

“Cas needs help… he hasn’t been himself since his fall. I thought that a friendly face would help him feel less alone in this world” Dean explained sheepishly after several seconds of silence had passed following Gabriel’s rant.

 

“And you really think that after the stunt Meta-douche pulled up there that any angel would want to socialise with Cas? Yet alone help him? I don’t know if your pea-sized brain can comprehend the seriousness of the situation, but Castiel’s grace was used to cast a spell that cost thousands of angels their home and lives… those that survived _want_ to see Castiel dead. The more he suffers to get there, the better” the archangel countered sarcastically, clearly not bothered about hiding his eye-roll.

 

“Oh, get off your high horse, douchebag”

 

Dean felt his blood boil in his veins at Gabriel’s condescending tone. He would not let the archangel treat him like a child. Gabriel’s patronising look did nothing to cool down Dean’s temper. Another glance out of the window made Dean feel rather uneasy. Cas was nowhere to be seen. Just as that realization hit the former hunter, he heard the front door to their home squeak open as Cas stepped out of the cold front garden into the cosy and welcoming warmth of their shared home. Dean dreaded the instant Cas would notice Gabriel’s presence. The archangel winked and grinned at the former hunter, clearly able to read him like an open book. Gabriel spun around so he could face the doorway leading to the living room and both men waited for Cas to step into the main living area.

 

The seconds that passed were the longest of Dean’s life.

 

“Cassie, little brother, so nice of you to join the party…” Gabriel greeted the fallen angel as soon as Cas entered the room. Dean saw his lover freeze, the little shovel and garden gloves he had been holding in his hands dropping to the floor. Cas stared at Gabriel with a mixed expression of surprise, panic and excitement.

 

“Gabriel…”

 

“Good to know you still remember my name, Cassie boy”

 

The several steps Gabriel took towards Cas triggered Dean’s protective instincts, and not before long the former hunter found himself shouting at the archangel to back off as went to grab Gabriel’s shoulder in a futile attempt to stop him from getting any closer to Cas. Dean barely had the time to hear Cas cry out his name before he felt Gabriel’s grace propel him to the other side of the room, where he came crashing against the living room wall.

 

“I see you haven’t lost any of your megalomaniac tendencies, Winchester boy. I know it’s tempting to get your hands on the last surviving archangel, but come on… pick on someone your own size for a change” Gabriel advised sarcastically, not even bothering to cast a look over his shoulder to see if Dean was alright. His eyes seemed to be glued on Castiel, and from his position Dean could see the archangel’s head tilt to the side. The former hunter had to fight the dizziness threatening to pull him into an unconscious oblivion.

 

“Castiel, how delightful to see you again”

 

“What is the purpose of your visit, Gabriel?” Cas questioned his brother instantly, not bothering to return the polite greeting. Dean could tell even in his hazed state that Cas was terrified, although the former angel would never show it. However, it was likely that Gabriel had picked up on his younger brother’s fear too, no matter how hard Cas tried to hide it.

 

“Baby bro, what would you say if I presented you with a unique opportunity to get your grace back…?”

 

The archangel’s words surprised both Dean and Cas. The two men shared a look from either side of the room, and Dean’s surprised expression certainly matched his lover’s. Cas turned his attention back to his older brother, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed the lump in his throat.

 

“Gabriel, if this is one of your tricks…” Cas began, not even daring to finish his sentence.

 

“None of that, baby bro. This is our Father’s honest truth… and you should preferably decide fast, there’s a prize on your head Castiel…”

 

“Way to make a man feel safe” Dean mumbled under his breath as he placed a supporting hand on the right side of his ribcage, pulling himself up with a hiss as a sharp pain shot through him.

 

“Don’t tell me this is coming as a surprise to you, Cassie” Gabriel raised an eyebrow at his younger brother, crossing his arms before his chest, “And really, Steve? I’m sure the FBI and the CIA are fighting over you to get you into their respective undercover teams…”

 

“It’s called hiding in plain sight, brother. Look it up. I have not seen an angel in months, clearly I’m doing something right”

 

Dean could not help a small smile from creeping onto his lips. One thing was sure, Cas had not lost his sass. Bits of the old Cas sometimes resurfaced, and it filled Dean with hope. Strangely, the possibility that Cas would go back to being an angel made the former hunter feel uneasy. Dean was not sure how he felt about that. On the one hand, it would mean that Cas would snap out of his depressive state. Then again, it would also mean that they would jump head first into the hunting world again. To be honest, Dean liked the idea of retiring. He had made plans for him and Cas. His job at the garage was going well. True, there were the issues of Cas’ depression, his suicidal tendencies and generally his awkward way of dealing with his newly-found humanity. They could work on that, right? There must be a different way to get Cas to accept his human life.

 

Then again, Dean could not deny that the sparkle of hope he saw in Cas’ eyes warmed his heart.

 

“Don’t flatter yourself, brother” Gabriel’s eye-roll merely caused Cas to narrow his eyes in annoyance, “you got lucky that you ended up living with one of the Winchesters. The angels are after the one responsible for their fall, and believe me they will do anything to find you and kill you.”

 

Dean noticed Cas tense, and the former hunter could not blame him. Gabriel’s words seemed to make Cas feel nervous judging by the way he was fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt. Gabriel noticed the reaction and calmly closed the space between him and his brother, placing a reassuring hand on Cas’ shoulder.

 

“Why are you trying to help me, Gabriel?” was all Cas said, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had settled. The archangel frowned questioningly in reply to Cas’ enquiry.

 

“We are brothers, Cas. And more than that, I trained and _raised_ you. The other angels, they are not like us. They don’t know how to handle the responsibility that is free will. You, Cassie, have mastered that art to perfection. So have I. We are two castaways from the same ship, and as such we should work together.”

 

“What’s in it for you?” Castiel had the presence of mind to ask. Dean noticed Gabriel’s small smile and felt a familiar uneasiness settle in his stomach.

 

“This is my chance to protect my family, to do something good for our family. I ran away, times and times again. This time, I am not going anywhere. This time, I won’t be a coward” Gabriel broke eye contact with Castiel and cast them to the ground, almost in shame, and the next words he spoke came out timidly and barely audibly, “plus, I always had a soft spot for you, Cassie”

 

“Alright, enough with the chick flick” Dean interrupted the two, finally managing to clear and steady his vision enough to walk towards his lover and the archangel. Cas shot Dean a lost and confused look which made the former hunter want to hug him close to his chest, “what is it you really want out of this, Gabriel? Why have you been spying on us, there must be something we have that you want for yourself”

 

“The thing I most desire you sadly can’t give me, Dean-o. Sorry to disappoint. The emotionless and unpredictable trickster truly only wants to make sure the only family he has left is safe. No strings attached. I’m sure you can relate to that, can’t you freckle-pop?”

 

Gabriel shot Dean a pointed look as he spoke those words, and the older Winchester could not help but agree with the archangel. Although they would have to keep a close eye on him, Gabriel _was_ Cas’ family, too. In a sense, Dean had achieved what he had initially planned: get Cas to be reunited with his family. And as a bonus, they now had an archangel on their side who would protect human Cas if need be from vindictive angels. The odds seem to be in their favour. That was a good thing, right? Then why did Dean feel that something would try to take away their happiness?

 

“Okay, I’ll trust you, for now. One movement out of line, and I promise you, archangel or not, I will kick your ass, capisce?”

 

“Yeah, I capisce” the archangel agreed with a small smirk, “but for that, you’ll have to catch me first”

 

OoO

 

Cas was not sure whether she should be annoyed or relieved that Dean had tried to reach out to his family. Since his fall, the former angel had always hoped deep inside that not every angel hated him and that some at least tried to understand that their fall had been Metatron’s doing, and not his. Of course, he had always brushed away those ideas as wishful thinking.

 

Dean had left for work early the next morning, while Cas had called Nora to let her know that he would not be in today because of a family emergency. He was not really lying, Gabriel returning after years of thinking he was dead was truly an unconventional situation. Cas would hate to have to lie to his manager, who had always been so nice and understanding.

 

“So, Cassie boy… now that it’s just you and I, care to open up?” Gabriel asked out of the blue after finishing his second play of scrambled eggs. Cas had learned a thing or two in the kitchen, thanks to Dean’s patient teaching, but his best dish so far was his cheesy scrambled eggs. Gabriel seemed to agree, judging by how quickly he had scoffed the first serving.

 

“There is nothing to open up about, Gabriel. I am human, it sucks. End of story”

 

“Dean-o clearly rubbing off on you, baby bro. Do you kiss him with that uncouth mouth?” Gabriel teased, winking at Castiel who felt like sticking his tongue out at his older brother, “so, is that why you tried to kill yourself? Because being a human sucks?”

 

“I did _not_ try to commit suicide” Cas snapped irritatingly at his brother, rubbing a hand through his hair, “I hurt myself, yes. And then, I stayed underwater for longer than I planned. It was an error of judgement on my part, nothing more, nothing less”

 

“Really…? It was not because the only way for you to return home and leave this abominable human condition is to die?”

 

Gabriel’s words hit Castiel like a punch to the gut. Could it really be? Could his subconscious have tricked him into attempting to take his own life, just so he could go back to Heaven? This could not be what had happened. Tears of shock welled up in Cas’ eyes, but he refused to let them flow. He was done with crying. He was done with feeling weak. Stubbornly, the former angel swallowed them back and faced Gabriel with all the determination he could muster.

 

“You are wrong. I do not wish to die. I am however not going to deny that I miss being an angel. I miss my wings, I miss my grace… I’m just not myself anymore, Gabriel. I ceased to be Castiel”

 

“From my perspective, I think that you only just _became_ Castiel. Like an old friend of mine used to say, ‘we are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit’”

 

Gabriel had always enjoyed philosophising, Castiel remembered that from when he was a fledgling. Debating had always been an important part of Castiel’s education, and although most of the time he would spend seeking knowledge in books and manuscripts, he had always enjoyed lively debates with God’s messenger the most. _Human philosophers are fascinating, Cassie. There is some potential out there. Just yesterday, a baby was born and his parents called him Aristotle. Mark my words, his name will be remembered for millennia._

“Aristotle often asked about you when you were gone, you know” Cas mused, smiling softly as he noticed the twinkle of excitement in Gabriel’s honey-brown eyes.

 

“He did? We used to have fascinating conversations, him and I. Probably my favourite human for a long time… Michael always wondered why I bothered with them, you know? Humans… like you, I find that sometimes, they can surprise us in many more ways than one and teach us many things”

 

A comfortable silence settled between the two, broken only by the clicking of Gabriel’s fingers followed by the apparition of two mugs of hot cocoa. The archangel seemed lost in thought, and Cas thought he noticed Gabriel’s eyebrows furrow in perplexity as his eyes met his younger brother’s azure ones.

 

“Tell me, brother, I find it really confusing that you are fighting your new nature. I mean, you fell in love with the righteous man. You developed human emotions even before your fall. You fell in love with humanity. How come you hate it so much now?”

 

Gabriel’s question rang in Castiel’s ears like an unpleasant echo. The same question that had plagued him since his fall. Humanity had never sounded so bad, but as the saying goes, you never truly know what you have until you lose it. His grace, his wings… they were what made him an angel. They were the symbol of his power and status. Now that he had lost them, he felt powerless. He felt worthless. How could you make up for eons of existence, when all you were given were several decades at the most?

 

“I just… I am nothing without my powers. How am I supposed to protect the people I love if I can’t even lift a pallet of fruit without feeling the ache in my back? Humanity is fascinating, but fragile. I never realised how fragile until I became one of them. Dean and Sam might have retired, but that doesn’t mean that what’s out there has. There will always be a danger of them being attacked. And when that happens, I will be useless” Cas admitted, staring blankly out the window. He was grateful for Gabriel’s silent acknowledgement. No questions asked, no prodding. Cas felt like thanking his brother, but preferred to leave the subject at that.

 

“I will help you find your grace, Cassie. I just want you to understand something… when we do find it, you will have to make a choice. Right now, the angels that are after you are quite happy to leave you to destroy yourself. You are on the right path to die during the next decade from their point of view. And the more your hurt yourself in the process, the better. Heavens, some are even ready to wait 50 to 60-ish years for you to die of natural causes. To them, living a long human life is a form of torture. As soon as you get your grace back… ”

 

Gabriel left the end of his sentence hanging in the air. Cas locked eyes with his brother when he heard the seriousness of his tone, worry lacing his traits.

 

“… I will become a threat again” Cas completed it. Gabriel merely nodded.

 

“Exactly. And do you know what that will mean for Dean and Sam? Bye bye retirement. That will mean sending the man you love and his beloved brother back into a world they happily left behind. Are you ready for that, Castiel?”

 

Cas closed his eyes and let out a heavy sigh at the question. He understood the stakes. He heard what Gabriel was saying, and the former angel will be damned if he allowed anything to happen to Dean. But this might be his only chance at getting his grace back. He could not throw it away.

 

“I am ready”

 

TBC.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

_Hark! the herald angels sing,_

_"Glory to the new-born King!_

_Peace on earth, and mercy mild,_

_God and sinners reconciled."_

_Joyful, all ye nations, rise,_

_Join the triumph of the skies;_

_With th' angelic host proclaim,_

_"Christ is born in Bethlehem."_

_Hark! the herald angels sing,_

_"Glory to the new-born King!_

Dean blamed Gabriel for getting this song stuck in his head. Not that the archangel had gone about his day actively singing or humming it, no… but it had to be one of his cruel tricks, right? Dean sighed heavily as he took a swig of his coffee, closing his eyes as he felt the warm bitterness fill his mouth and tickle his taste buds. One thing was certain, Sam certainly made a great coffee, although Dean would never admit that his younger brother’s obsession with grinding his own coffee beans rather than use the supermarket instant coffee granules was totally justified. It never did any good telling Sam that he was right.

 

“Of all the bloody songs, it had to be a damned Christmas carol, didn’t it?” Dean muttered to himself before heading to the living room, where Cas and Sam were sitting quietly both engrossed in their books.

 

Ever since Gabriel’s surprise reappearance into their lives, many things had changed around Dean and Cas’ home. For one, there were now three humans and an archangel living under their roof. Sam had moved in with them after deciding that law school was not his thing after all, although remaining very vague about what had made him believe that. Dean had tried to get information out of his little brother, but to no avail. Sam stubbornly insisted that he was ‘too old for this’, which Dean did not buy. He had however decided to drop the subject, deciding that it was Sam’s decision and his alone. If he deemed that this was what was best for him, then there was nothing that could be done to change his mind. The Winchesters had always been and would always be a stubborn bunch.

 

Gabriel had somehow convinced Cas to postpone the research for his grace until after Christmas, for God knew what reason. There was no way that a bitter archangel would want to celebrate this holiday. At least, that’s what Dean thought, until he had come home from work one night to find the whole house decorated with fancy baubles, colourful tinsel and the biggest ass, fully-decorated Christmas tree Dean had ever hoped to see in his home. Four red socks hung from the wall, each sporting their names woven in white thread. The only thing that was missing were Christmas carols blasting through Dean’s speaker. Although the former hunter had initially been shocked at the changes brought about by the archangel, he had to admit that he enjoyed the result. What had warmed his heart the most, though, had been the bright smiles on Cas and Sammy’s faces when they had come back from their trip to the store to discover Gabriel’s handiwork. As much as Dean hated Christmas, these smiles had made up for all the shitty holidays spent in lonely motels, and all the presents stolen from other people’s homes just so Sam would not feel abandoned by their own father.

 

Dean had not been able to thank the archangel for his efforts. Despite the good intentions Gabriel was trying to exhibit, he was still an asshole in Dean’s eyes. It would take more than a pine tree and personalized socks to change how the older Winchester felt about the trickster. Gabriel was aware of that, and if he cared he did not show it. Sam had merely offered a tense nod of the head, while Cas had very nearly _thrown_ himself at his brother, pressing him close to his body in a bone-crushing hug that seemed to surprise even the archangel himself. Up to this point, no one had ever managed to render Gabriel speechless.

 

“Dean?” Cas’ concerned voice pulled the older Winchester out of his thoughts, and only then did Dean realise that he had absolutely not been paying any attention to what was going on around him.

 

“Sorry, I was… in a world of my own” Dean explained, clearing his throat nervously.

 

“I noticed” the former angel remarked with a small smile, “I was just saying that I’ll be heading to the mall later today. Do you want to join?”

 

“Sure, I need to get stuff anyway” Dean absent-mindedly agreed to, taking in the sight of his smiling lover. God damn, it felt like years since the former hunter had last seen his angel this careless, and if that was not the best feeling in the whole fucking world, then Dean did not know what was.

 

“Alright. I need a shower before we head out, but I won’t be too long”

 

Cas marked the page in his book before rising from the couch. As the former angel passed Dean, the latter grabbed his lover by the hand and pulled him close to his chest, kissing Cas’ forehead tenderly. Before Cas could question his actions, the former hunter pressed his lips to the smaller man’s, loving the way Cas tasted. When the two parted, Dean smirked at the blush on Cas’ cheeks, knowing all too well that the former angel was shy about public displays of affection. Only the overly loud throat clearing brought the two lovers back to reality. While Sam merely pretended not to have noticed his brother’s antics, the newly-appeared Gabriel rolled his eyes in mock annoyance.  

 

“Get a room, you two love birds”

 

At these words, Dean thought he saw Cas’ blush intensify as the smaller man sped up the stairs and away from the awkward situation. Dean merely smiled goofily.

 

“I see the holiday fever has gotten a hold of you, Dean-o” Gabriel clapped his hands together as a proud grin spread across his face, “no one can resist a bit of good ol’ Christmas cheer, not even a grumpy Winchester”

 

Surprisingly, Dean noted that Gabriel’s eyes were not on him as he spoke that last sentence, but on Sam. The older Winchester had noticed Sam’s distancing from and cold disregard of Gabriel ever since he and the archangel had met again. Dean wondered why that was, considering that his brother was never one to ignore people for no reason. Hell, Sam had been sad when Gabriel had died; Dean had expected his little brother to be at least pleased about the archangel’s return.  

 

Instead, Gabriel had been met with nothing but silence. And Dean would be damned if he’ll let himself believe that this was starting to bother the archangel. The trickster did not care about their feelings, and never had.

 

“Samsquatch, what has your pretty locks in such a twist?” Gabriel enquired. Dean observed with a baffled expression on his face how Sam shot daggers at the archangel before slamming his book shut and storming out of the living room without a word. Just as Dean was about to ask his brother what the hell was wrong with him, he heard the archangel sigh in defeat.

 

“My dad, I guess I really deserved that this time” Gabriel muttered under his breath, which caused Dean to raise a questioning eyebrow.

 

“Alright, you can’t just drop that bomb and leave me hanging. Spill the beans, sister, what did you do this time?” the older Winchester asked, taking a seat on the couch and finishing his coffee in a gulp. Gabriel stared at him as if determining whether Dean was truly wanting to be helpful, or if it was just meant to make fun of him.

 

“Remember when I said that I had been keeping an eye on you all since Cas’ fall?” Gabriel started, his expression growing serious once again. Dean merely nodded, which prompted Gabriel to carry on, “well, I should have said that I kept an eye on Sam and only knew about you and Cas because I eavesdropped”

 

“Alright, but how exactly did you trigger Sam’s uber-bitchy mood?”

 

“Well… the only way I knew how to keep incognito was by… I guess you could call it impersonating someone else in order to gain Sam’s trust… I never expected him to grow so fond of her, I mean, the signs were there that it was me, it’s truly all on him” Gabriel tried to justify his actions, his speech growing more and more rushed and agitated as he spoke. Dean, on the other hand, was still confused.

 

“I don’t understand, who did you impersonate?”

 

Suddenly, it hit Dean like a mace to the head, and frankly he did not know whether he should laugh at how ridiculous the situation was or punch Gabriel in the face for what he had apparently done.

 

“That Alice girl from the library… there is no Alice girl from the library, is there” Dean stated, and Gabriel’s guilty expression only confirmed his unspoken theory.

 

“It was the only way. I needed to make sure that Sam would not try to go back to hunting, because believe it or not freckle-face, I am very fond of your brother. And a little bit of you, too… but really, that’s only because you are trying your hardest to make Cassie happy and that deserves some credit at least” Gabriel rambled, trying to look tough but Dean knew that this was all just a show. The archangel felt bad, and he felt hurt. Dean recognised the signs of self-loathing. Somehow, he had no trouble believing that Gabriel truly cared about Sam.

 

“So, what happened? I guess he found out that you were playing him for a fool?” Dean guessed.

 

“Actually, when he came off the phone with you that day when you stupidly suggested to send a coded message to angel fucking radio, I revealed myself to him. I told him that it was insane to even attempt to reach out to any angel potentially loyal to Cas, because for one, most of them had fallen, and those who had not would not want to get into Metatron’s bad books. True, my main aim was to keep my brother safe, but… I did not want Sam to be involved in your ridiculous attempts to manipulate Heaven again”

 

Gabriel’s voice sounded like it wanted to break towards the end of his rant, but he caught himself right on time and Dean noticed his jaw tense slightly as he undoubtly swallowed back the emotions in his throat.

 

“Sam was messed up when we thought you died, man. No one else saw it, but I knew it. I know that guy better than the inside of my trunk, and I can list every item in there down to the amount of bullets I drive around. He was beating himself up for it” Dean tried to explain, not exactly sure why he was trying to make the dick of an archangel feel better about himself.

 

“I never meant for him to fall for that girl, I just… well, I guessed he would feel more comfortable opening up to a warm and caring female figure, that’s all”

 

“So when you called him at Thanksgiving, calling him handsome and that… that was all an act?” Dean asked, recalling the famous skype call he had refrained from interrupting for the sake of respecting his little brother’s privacy.

 

“I… look, I did what I had to do to keep an eye on my family, ok?” Gabriel said, evading the question. Dean instantly picked up on that and rose from the couch so he was looking down on the smaller archangel.

 

“You did not answer my question…”

 

“I owe you no explanation, Dean Winchester…” Gabriel’s voice dropped dangerously low as he spoke those words solemnly, shooting Dean a warning glare. The former hunter could almost see the golden eyes shimmer with the archangel’s grace.

 

“Not to me you don’t, but you owe Sam a damn good explanation, asshole. Of all the people you used as bait, you decided to use my brother? After telling me that you care a lot about him? Spare me your bull crap. The only reason I am not killing you right now is because Cas would hate me if I did”

 

“You and me both, jackass”

 

Just as Dean was about to bark a particularly nasty remark at Gabriel, Cas reappeared in the main living area, his hair still wet and tangled from his shower. The sight of his lover instantly appeased Dean, as it always did. Cas smiled uneasily at Dean and Gabriel, still shy at the thought that his brother had caught them in a fairly intimate position. The former angel did not seem to pick up on the tension in the room.

 

“I’m ready to go when you are, Dean” Cas announced, sliding his arms through the sleeves of his trench coat. Even though the former angel had converted to a much more casual clothing style, the trench coat he never had the heart to get rid of. Dean would not want him to, either. It would be like asking Cas to get rid of his right hand. The trench coat was just part of who he was.

 

“Alright, let’s head then. See you later, Sammy”

 

Dean merely shot Gabriel a wary look before exiting the house. He did not see the archangel’s contrite expression.

 

OoO

 

Sam knew that he should not have avoided Gabriel, and he also knew that his reaction was far from mature. He could not bring himself to forgive him for deceiving him in such a way. Sam had tried to move on, and even though he did not think that he developed any kinds of feelings for ‘Alice’, he had hoped that he could get over the memory of Jess. No woman or man for the matter had managed to make him forget the intense love he had felt for his dead girlfriend. Sam was starting to wonder if he would ever love again.

 

The younger Winchester heard the main door open and shut as Dean and Cas left for the mall, which left him alone in the house with a trickster archangel. Great. Fucking fantastic. Sam merely hoped that Gabriel would give him some peace so he could finish his book and forget about Alice, and the trickster and Jess… unfortunately, the younger Winchester had no such luck.

 

“Hey Samsquatch” an annoyingly cheery voice greeted him, before a heavy mass landed on the bed next to him. Sam tried to refrain from punching the archangel, deeming that it would do himself more harm than good. Ignoring Gabriel, Sam tried to keep concentrated on his book.

 

“I got you a lollipop… truly the most fantastic invention after toast. Hear me out, one day someone held a piece of bread in his hand, looked at it and thought ‘fuck it, let’s cook that again’” Gabriel joked in a vain attempt to make Sam laugh. The younger Winchester shot the archangel an irritated side look, but it clearly took more for Gabriel to be discouraged. Tapping the lollipop pensively against his lips, he perched himself on his right elbow and stared at Sam awkwardly. Despite the younger Winchester’s efforts to ignore the relentless archangel, Sam found himself sighing heavily and raising his eyes from his book, staring at a grinning Gabriel with annoyance written all over his face.

 

“What?” he snapped.

 

“I made you look” Gabriel told him with a satisfied smile.

 

“Oh for God’s sake” Sam gave up on his book, throwing it onto the night stand next to his guest room bed.

 

“Now, don’t bring my father into the conversation, this was all my doing”

 

“Oh yes it was… Gabriel, how could you? I mean, this was cruel even for your standards” Sam accused, cutting to the chase straight away before Gabriel could interject with another clever remark.

 

“I know… and being cruel was never my intention, sugar. Listen, all I wanted to do was to keep Cassie safe. He was vulnerable, he still is…”

 

“Why through me, though? Why not possess some person closer to Cas? Why did it have to be me? Why did my feelings have to be put on the line?”

 

Sam’s voice was growing louder and louder with each word he spoke, and it took all his might not to scream at the archangel spread nonchalantly next to him on the bed. Although Sam could see the shame in Gabriel’s eyes, the angel was doing his best to avoid making eye contact.

 

“I… needed to know you were safe, too. I couldn’t stay away from you after I heard that you were giving up hunting. I mean, when you expect to be attacked you are the most careful man, but I was worried that you would let your guard down too much and that you would get hurt…”

 

Sam could not help but blush at Gabriel’s admission. The way the archangel shifted uncomfortably under Sam’s puzzled and surprised gaze was tell-tale that he was telling the truth. No games, no act… this was the real Gabriel, this was how he truly felt. And Sam had no idea what to make of that information, much less how to react to it.

 

“Oh…”

 

“Really? I open my heart to you, and all you have to say is ‘oh’?”

 

“This is kind a lot to take in, you know?” Sam defended himself weakly, trying his best not to blush.

 

“I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I hope you will at least try to understand where I was coming from. I wanted to protect my family… I wanted to protect you. I failed at protecting the only family I care about, I mean Cas nearly killed himself and I was too busy impersonating a library custodian to notice…”

 

“Hey, just… listen, I would go to the ends of the world and back for Dean, so I get it but… I just don’t understand what I mean to you” Sam admitted in a barely audible whisper, locking eyes with Gabriel.

 

“You mean everything to me, Sammy” came the equally soft reply. Sam did not know why his heart somersaulted in his chest, or why his stomach churned painfully at the thought that an angel cared about him in such a way. He had never dared hope that any divine creature could ever love him. Sam was tainted with demon blood. He had given into temptation so often, who was to say that he would not do it again? He was an abomination, how could an angel – no, archangel even – ever learn to care about him?

 

And yet there he was, with Gabriel lying next to him and staring at him expectantly.

 

“I don’t deserve this…” came the croaked answer.

 

“Of course you do” Gabriel’s voice was unequivocal, leaving no room for argument, “if anyone is, then it’s you. Samsquatch, sugar, listen to me… you have done more to protect this world and everything in it than any other man or angel ever has. You, that asshole brother of yours and Cassie are the true heroes here. Have you started apocalypses? Hells yeah you have, more often than not. But do I think that makes you less worthy of being happy? No…” Gabriel shook his head for emphasis, snorting softly as he noticed Sam’s growing confusion.

 

“I feel like I’m dreaming… I’m going to wake up soon, aren’t I?” Sam mused out loud, failing to notice the small smirk that crept on Gabriel’s lips. He felt the archangel rise to a sitting position.

 

“Well, if this is just a dream, I’m sure you won’t mind if I do this…”

 

Without warning, Gabriel leaned closer to Sam and effectively closed the gap between them, sealing their lips in a surprisingly soft kiss. The younger Winchester had never expected such tenderness from the trickster, considering that he had a habit of sleeping with porn stars who were certainly not into the vanilla type of sex… Sam found himself loving the kiss a bit too much. And he found himself not giving a damn.

 

His anger directed at the archangel went to the dinosaurs as Sam Winchester kissed Gabriel back.

 

 

_Hail! the heaven-born_

_Prince of peace!_

_Hail! the Son of Righteousness!_

_Light and life to all he brings,_

_Risen with healing in his wings_

_Mild he lays his glory by,_

_Born that man no more may die:_

_Born to raise the son of earth,_

_Born to give them second birth._

_Hark! the herald angels sing,_

_"Glory to the new-born King !"_

TBC.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, this is a long chapter... sorry about that. 
> 
> I had to unravel the plot before the final chapter (which hopefully will be posted this week if uni allows it. If not, I'll do my best to update it no later than next monday)
> 
> Thank you so much for the love, and thank you for the people who have taken the time to leave kudos. 
> 
> Enjoy the early Christmas spirit (PS it's never too early to be excited about Christmas). 
> 
> xxx

Sam did not know what to make of what had just happened.

 

It was not the fact that he had been kissed by a dude – and let’s face it, Gabriel was a genderless, sexless angel anyway – but rather, Sam wondered when he had started feeling attracted to the archangel. He had _enjoyed_ the kiss, there was no denying that. The warmth that had enveloped his heart had been unmistakable. The younger Winchester wondered if it was just the lack of intimacy he had experienced for the past couple of months, or whether he still hung to the idea that Gabriel had truly meant all the things he had told him as ‘Alice’. Sam undeniably enjoyed the idea of someone loving him. That, however, did not make him love Gabriel.

 

“Cat got your tongue, Samsquatch?” Gabriel asked, his eyebrows wiggling suggestively to hide his anxious anticipation. Sam blinked several times, almost as if he had to force himself to come back to reality.

 

“Er… sorry, I just… needed some time to process _this_ ” Sam explained, waving between him and Gabriel to indicate the kiss they had just shared.

 

“You seemed able to process it pretty well when I had my tongue in your mouth…” Gabriel argued, and Sam believed he could hear the slight hurt tone lacing the archangel’s voice.

 

“Look, it’s gonna take some time for me to forget that you manipulated me and tricked me into believing that you were someone you were not, okay?” Sam snapped, trying his best to keep his voice levelled. The last thing he needed was to start an argument with Cas’ brother before Christmas. When Gabriel did not answer, Sam sighed heavily and rubbed his temples soothingly.

 

“What I did, I did to keep an eye on you. And as much as you want me to grovel and plead for your forgiveness… I regret to inform you that this won’t happen. I already apologised for giving you the impression that I was trying to betray your trust. I won’t, however, apologise for wanting to keep the only family I have left safe. No snowball’s chance in hell, sugar”

 

Sam wanted to glare at Gabriel, he really did. However, he had the feeling that his glare looked more like a confused puppy-look. He did not know what to believe. He desperately wanted to trust Gabriel; after all, he was their only chance at saving Castiel from his depression, and the archangel had promised to keep them safe from vindictive angels. Also, Gabriel _did_ save their life… who knew what could have happened if Dean and Sam had tried to enter in contact with Heaven. They might all be dead as they spoke.

 

“Gabriel?” Sam finally said softly, his voice a bare whisper. When the younger Winchester had made sure that he had the archangel’s attention, he cleared his throat nervously, “see, when you were… ‘Alice’… you, you said all these things about me and… well, I was just wondering if you… if you actually meant them, or if it was all part of your trick to gain my trust…”

 

Sam had not meant to sound accusatory, but he could not bring himself to care in that moment. He stared at Gabriel expectantly, noticing how the angel shifted uncomfortably on the bed. The smaller man fidgeted with the hem of his t-shirt, avoiding Sam’s gaze diligently. The younger Winchester did not waver. He needed to know. He needed to know if Gabriel had been honest, although his reaction could be an indication. Sam dared not hope that an angel would feel this way about him. He was the antichrist, after all, the demon-blood junkie, the starter of the apocalypse… he was all God, Heaven and the angels hated. Dean, on the other hand, he was the righteous man, he was the one with the pure soul. Sam was tainted, and he would never admit that he felt jealous of Dean. His brother, vessel of the powerful archangel Michael, while Sam was apparently better suited for the devil. Sam felt like he was born to be evil, and that no matter how hard he tried, he could never accomplish good.

 

“You are an idiot, you know that?” Gabriel suddenly told him, his voice harsh and his expression stern. It was so unlike the usually jolly and life-loving archangel. Sam felt himself swallow audibly.

 

“What?” was all he managed to croak out. Gabriel rose from the bed so he could look down at Sam, undoubtly the way he would have done if he had been chastising another angel.

 

“You are a bloody moron, Winchester. You do know I can hear your thoughts, right? Especially when I can feel a longing…”

 

Sam had to admit, he had forgotten about that particularly annoying angelic trait. The younger Winchester had the decency to look at his knees, taking a sudden interest in his bed sheets.

 

“That’s what I thought… now, you are going to look at me and listen to me very carefully…” Gabriel demanded, although Sam could hear the softness behind the order. Clenching his jaw, Sam’s hazel eyes met Gabriel’s golden ones. “Samuel William Winchester, you are not tainted, you are not broken, and you are certainly not intrinsically evil. You and your brother, yes you might have started the bloody apocalypse and killed more angels that I dare to count, but ironically in doing so, you have saved the lives of billions, do you realise that? This whole planet? If it had not been for you two knuckleheads… splat!” Gabriel cried out, clapping his hands together for emphasis after a dramatic pause, making Sam flinch unwillingly.

 

“If it had not been for us, the apocalypse would never have started…” Sam tried to argue, but the look the archangel shot him was enough to shut the younger Winchester up.

 

“Oh you really think so? Sorry to break your bubble, Samsquatch, but if you think that Heaven rested all their hopes on you and your brother, you are mistaken. We are not that stupid, you know? Believe me, I’m sure the angels up there had more back-up plans that there are fish in the sea. The apocalypse would have taken place sooner or later. Probably sooner, in our case. The angels don’t give a rat’s ass if the people involved are you and Dean, or the Pope and the Queen of England. Get off your high horse, Sammy, you and your brother don’t matter that much to the dicks upstairs…”

 

Sam knew that he should not have taken offence at the last part of Gabriel’s rant, but he could not help but feel disappointed. Gabriel was right, he probably was not important in the grand scheme of things.

 

“You matter to me, though” Gabriel whispered, the seriousness in his voice giving way to shyness. Sam perked up at these words, unable to hold back a small smile from gracing his lips.

 

“I do?” he asked, his voice filled with hope. Gabriel grumbled something under his breath in a language that Sam recognised as Enochian. Although the younger Winchester was far from fluent, he was convinced that the archangel had attempted to hide his swearing. The thought turned Sam’s smile into a wide grin.

 

“Oh, don’t flatter yourself, sugar” Gabriel barked half-heartedly, which had Sam chuckling ever so slightly.

 

“You luuuuuv me” Sam teased.

 

“I never said that I loved you…” Gabriel argued, although his heart definitely was not in it. The warning glare he gave Sam was enough to let the younger Winchester know that he better not cross the invisible boundary he had reached.

 

“You think I’m adorable, though…” Sam tried light-heartedly, trying to ease the tension. Gabriel could not help but smile.

 

“I would be lying if I said that I didn’t…”

 

Sam and Gabriel sat in silence for a while after this confession, both enjoying each other’s presence but not knowing how to address the big gay elephant in the room. While Gabriel seemed particularly interested by the stack of books Sam kept by his bed, the younger Winchester suddenly came up with a thought.

 

“Hey, Gabe?”

 

“Whaddup, sugar?”

 

“See, when you said that you could help Cas find his grace… were you telling the truth? Do you know where it is?” Sam grew suspicious when Gabriel let out a small snicker.

 

“Of course I know where it is, Sammy. It’s right here” Gabriel said, producing a small vial containing a bright light blue light that shone brighter than any jewel Sam had ever seen. His eyes grew wide as the realisation of what he was seeing hit him, his surprise soon replaced with anger.

 

“You’ve had his grace all along, and you never told him? Gabriel, your brother wanted to kill himself!” Sam’s anger was audible in his tone, and he did not bother to be diplomatic with Gabriel anymore. The archangel, however, watched calmly as the younger Winchester rose from his bed and went to snatch the vial from Gabriel. The smaller man zapped to the other end of the room before Sam had a chance to get to him, though.

 

“Firstly, I found his grace only a week before he tried to commit suicide. Secondly, there is a reason why I haven’t given it back to him” Gabriel’s voice was even, composed, almost amused at Sam’s efforts to get Cas’ grace.

 

“Cas almost died! He almost DIED, Gabriel! What on Earth can be more important than not seeing your brother die? What greater purpose do you hope to achieve?” Sam asked sarcastically, his tone dripping with rage at the thought that Gabriel would risk Cas’ life only to prove a point.

 

“If you stop attacking me and settle down, I’ll explain!” Gabriel promised, his voice slightly louder and radiating authority. Sam shot the archangel a wary look, wondering if this was one of Gabriel’s tricks. His opponent merely raised his hand in surrender, almost like he was indicating to Sam that he meant no harm.

 

“Please, sugar, give me a chance to explain myself…” the archangel pleaded, his puppy-eyes rivalling Sam’s. The younger Winchester, defying all logical thought that popped up in his brain, reluctantly sat back down on his bed.

 

“Alright then, fire in” he urged Gabriel on, who merely smiled.

 

“Always the impatient type, Sammy…” he chastised softly before expressing his plan to Sam.

 

OoO

 

All the way to the mall, Dean was brooding. Cas, for once, looked rather content and was even humming along to a particularly annoying song on the radio, which for some unfathomable reason had managed to stay in the top charts for weeks. Dean knew full well that his irritation had nothing to do with the song, but it was easier to blame it on that than to admit to himself that he hated seeing Cas so happy all of sudden.

 

Now, don’t get him wrong. He was delighted that the thoughts of self-harm and suicide seemed to be a distant memory. His heart always beat faster when he saw Cas smile, and the butterflies in his stomach morphed into a whole fucking zoo when the angel would kiss him in public or agree to hold hands with him.

 

Dean’s irritation stemmed from the fact that the only time he had seen Cas consistently happy since his fall had been after Gabriel had promised him his old life back. That realisation had hit Dean really hard, more for the fact that he had not been the one to bring Cas happiness. He had failed at helping Cas adjust to his new life as a human and to accept his condition. To him, it meant that Cas could never truly lead a fulfilled life as a human. It meant that the angel did not want to settle with Dean. All that mattered was his grace, his angel identity, his business in Heaven… or whatever bullshit excuse he would come up with when the time came.

 

Inevitably, it would mean that Dean and Sam would return to the hunting life, and the older Winchester was not sure why he felt so anxious about that. Hunting had been his life since he had been old enough to hold and use a shotgun. Retiring had never been on his mind until he had had a taste of it. He liked his job at the garage, he liked coming home to Cas, despite his angel’s grief-stricken state. Dean enjoyed the idea of protecting his family, providing for their family, as small as it was. Hell, he had even thought about adoption at some point, although he would never mention it to Cas. He had bought this guy a fricking guinea pig, that must count for something, right? They had adopted and taken care of a pet together, really the next step was a dog, then maybe a child.

 

Dean hated himself for getting carried away that way, because it would inevitably end up in disappointment for him when Cas recovered his grace. He would be too busy helping Heaven to bother with a family, or a relationship. Dean had been stupid to dream about this life with Cas. He had been stupid to think that he could make a difference in the former angel’s life. All of his efforts, all the tears he had cried in secret so as to not upset Cas, all the sleepless nights watching over his hurting boyfriend… it had all been in vain. For nothing.

 

So, you’ll excuse Dean if he was feeling slightly pissed at Cas. And at Gabriel. Really, it was the archangel who had started this whole mess in the first place.

 

“Dean, is everything alright?” Cas’ concerned voice pulled Dean out of his musing. _Hey, Soul Sister_ had stopped playing and had been replaced by _Airplanes_. Dean grimaced at the naïve message of the song; _sorry, sweetheart, you can’t just wish your problems away by pretending a plane is a shooting star. No one up there is listening, anyway. You could pray until you were blue in the face, no one was listening anymore._

“Yeah. Everything’s peachy, Cas” Dean replied with bitterness, pushing the gas pedal further down as he sped along the interstate. Cas’ brow furrowed at the reaction.

 

“You don’t look like this is the case. What is going on?” Cas pressed the matter, making Dean snort humourlessly.

 

“Oh, now you want us to be completely open about our feelings, do you? Where was that attitude when you thought about killing yourself?” Dean spat, instantly regretting his words. However, he was too annoyed and upset to apologise just yet. He could see Cas tense out of the corner of his eyes.

 

“That was unfair” the former angel commented, his voice reflecting the hurt and incomprehension at Dean’s attitude towards him. Dean merely shrugged.

 

“Don’t you talk to me about being fair. You really can’t speak. You haven’t been fair to me, either”

 

“I am sorry you feel that way, Dean” Cas said carefully, clearly choosing his words wisely considering Dean’s current emotional state, “please, let me know how I can rectify that. The last thing I want is to cause you any pain”

 

At these words, Dean felt his blood boil in his veins. Indicating off the interstate, the older Winchester drove on until it was safe to stop, parking on the pavement of a residential street and switching the ignition off. He took a deep calming breath, not wanting to yell at Cas, but finding it really hard not to explode at the former angel’s ignorance.

 

“You really want to know what’s up?” Dean asked rhetorically, his eyes glaring daggers at clueless Cas. The former angel tilted his head to the side, clearly not understanding why Dean was losing his temper with him.

 

“Yes, I just told you…” Cas confirmed.

 

“You know Cas, you don’t have to stay with me if you don’t want to. I just spent the past couple of months looking after you, making sure you were okay, supporting you when things got tough, and I did not even manage to get close to making you this happy and excited about anything. And then, Gabriel the fucking archangel shows up promising you your grace back, and suddenly you found a new fricking joy to life. Do you know what, if being an angel is the only thing that matters to you, you might as well tell me now so I don’t waste my fucking energy trying to make you happy when clearly being with me is such a chore”

 

Dean’s determination not to yell had failed as soon as he had started his rant. He tried to ignore the hot tears running down his cheeks; tears of anger, shame and hurt. His hands were clinging onto the steering wheel until his knuckles went white and his jaw tensed as he tried to hold back a bitter sob wanting to break past his lips. His attempt to blink his tears away only resulted in more welling up in his eyes. He brought a hand to his eyes, rubbing them irritatingly. He did not think he had the courage to look at Cas right then. He was scared that the former angel would step out of the car and leave forever. Despite his anger, Dean did not know if he could live with the thought of Cas willingly walking out of his life.

 

“Dean, I am sorry that I seem so ungrateful for all the things you have done for me” was all Cas said after an impossibly long silence. Dean merely huffed, cursing under his breath when more tears streamed down his face.

 

“Ungrateful? Cas, you make me feel like nothing I do is even worth doing. I get it, okay? Being an angel is what you do best, but… man, this is so much more than that. I thought we could have a life together, you know? Away from all the supernatural bull crap. As soon as you have your grace back, you will be immortal again. I will watch myself get older and older while your vessel will stay the same. I will be old and gross, and you won’t want me then anyway. So what’s the fucking point? If you’re gonna leave, then do it now”

 

And there it was. The underlying reason why Dean was feeling so shitty about the whole situation. Getting his grace back meant Cas would live forever, and never grow old. If Dean stayed retired, his life expectancy would go up. He might live until he’s 70 or 80. Cas will always look no older than 45. Who would want to stay with an old, wrinkly man? Certainly not an angel of the Lord, who was perfect in every sense of the word. Why would a perfect being want to stay with a dying man?

 

If Dean had bothered to look at Cas, he would have noticed his wet eyes and trembling lips.

 

“I am sorry this is how you feel, Dean” the former angel whispered, trying hard to keep his voice steady, “I’m not sure if what I’m about to tell you will convince you of my unconditional and dying love and gratitude for you, but… you growing old will never diminish my feelings for you, Dean, because your physical appearance was not the first thing that attracted me in the first place. Mostly because as an angel, all I could see how bright your soul shines. Your pleasant physical appearance is just a bonus”

 

Dean bit back a strangled whimper at Cas’ words, biting his tongue until he finally managed to get his emotions in check. The former hunter finally managed to look at his lover, only then noticing the pained expression on Cas’ face. His brows were furrowed, his forehead creasing with worry lines. However, what very nearly broke Dean was the look in his lover’s eyes. They reflected the fear he had of being abandoned. Dean suddenly felt like the biggest, most selfish and short-sighted dick in the whole wide world. Guilt replaced his anger as easily as if it had been wiped off a blackboard with a wet sponge. The former hunter did not know what to say, deciding to grab onto Cas’ hand like his life depended on it. The feeling of Cas’ fingers interlacing with his with the same fervour was what Dean expected a drowning man to experience the instant his lungs breathed in the much-needed air.

 

It was almost like Cas’ touch had brought him back to life.

 

“I’m so sorry, Cas. I… I was so angry, and scared I just… if there is anything I can do to make you reconsider going after your grace, then please tell me what it is”

 

Dean waited for a couple of seconds, and decided that if Cas did not answer he would drop the subject and never speak of it again. If finding his grace really was what the former angel wanted to do, who was Dean to stop him? It was not like his feelings for his lover would disappear, there was nothing in Heaven or Hell that could convince Dean to stop loving Cas. And if getting his grace back was the price Dean had to pay to see his angel smile again, then Dean was willing to make that sacrifice.

 

Cas never said anything. And Dean never pressed the matter further.

 

“Come on, let’s get to the mall before it shuts” Cas merely nodded silently, his hand not letting go of Dean’s.

 

Not that the former hunter complained.

 

OoO

 

When Dean and Cas returned from the mall that evening, their hands full with presents ready to be wrapped, Gabriel and Sam were lying on the couch while a random show was playing on Netflix. The former angel and hunter shared a look. Dean looked horrified and confused at the same time, while Cas, on the other hand, merely offered his lover a knowing smile.

 

“Well, I would not have seen that coming in a million years” Dean whispered, darting a furtive glance at the sleeping form of his brother hugging an archangel close to his chest. Cas merely shrugged in a very human fashion.

 

“I guess that’s what they mean when they talk about Christmas miracles” Cas merely said, his smile growing fonder as he noticed Gabriel snuggle closer into Sam’s side.

 

“Yeah… I guess you’re right”

 

OoO

 

Christmas Eve was upon them. The four men had spent the whole morning wrapping presents, preparing meals and moaning at Gabriel for playing the cheesiest Christmas songs the world had ever come up with. There was no denying that the archangel and Cas were having the time of their lives celebrating this Christian holiday. Sam and Dean were slightly surprised at this, thinking that the two would not want to be reminded of their lost families. Or maybe, Sam had suggested, it made them feel closer to Heaven and their absent Father. Dean had merely shrugged.

 

The four had decided to have their Christmas meal on the 24th, and wait until midnight to open their presents. Dean had prepared some eggnog for the four of them to enjoy while they waited for the turkey to cook. Gabriel had suggested to quicken the process by using his grace, but Sam had refused, claiming that the whole point of cooking Christmas dinner was to share the experience as a family. Gabriel had not offered again, and Dean had made a comment about whipped archangels which had merely earned him a glare from Gabriel and a small chuckle from Cas. All was good in the best of worlds.

 

After the four of them had had their dinner, and filled their stomachs to the point where they thought they would explode from the sheer overload of food they had consumed, Gabriel came up with the idea to watch Christmas movies until the clock struck midnight. The suggestion had unanimously been accepted. This is how Cas, Dean, Sam and Gabriel had ended up watching first _How the Grinch stole Christmas_ , followed by _The Muppet Christmas Carol_ and _Die Hard_ (because Dean had insisted). At some point between two movies, Gabriel had cuddled closer to Sam, placing his head on the taller man’s shoulder. Cas and Dean had pretended not to notice, giving the two as much privacy as possible considering they were all in the same room. No one commented on Sam and Gabriel’s sudden proximity, and that was fine with the two of them.

 

Midnight approached fast, and with it the trepidation of both Cas and Gabriel. Sam and Dean could not help but watch them with endeared looks in their eyes. Gabriel snapped his fingers again, and instantly Christmas carols filled the house once again. The archangel would sometimes join in the singing, and to everyone’s surprise, his voice was really pleasant to listen to. Sam felt a warm feeling in his stomach when he watched the adorable archangel act like a five-year-old, while Dean would try as much as he could to kiss Cas to show him how sorry he was for their argument a couple of days prior, and how much he loved him.

 

The cracking sound of fireworks was what told the two couples that they had reached midnight.

 

“Present time!” Gabriel exclaimed in a child-like voice, disappearing as soon as those two words left his mouth. Dean barely had the time to ask where the archangel had gone before Gabriel reappeared with an armful of presents, something that surprised the Winchester brothers and Cas.  

 

“What?” the archangel asked, wondering why all the eyes were on him, “I know where all of you kept your presents…”

 

“How?” Dean cried out, earning himself an exasperated look from Gabriel.

 

“Uhm, hellooooo trickster” was all the archangel gave as an explanation, before letting all the wrapped packages fall to the floor. Soon, the three other men joined him and formed a half-circle around the pile of presents and began examining the tags until all of them had managed to gather several boxes in front of them.

 

“I’ll go first” Dean decided before anyone else had the chance to claim that right. Considering the colourful packages in front of him, he decided to go for the tall rectangular shaped box, “whose one’s this?”

 

“Mine” Sam claimed, raising his hand slightly, “merry Christmas, jerk”

 

Dean tore at the wrapping paper which did nothing to hide the anticipation he was feeling. As much as he acted like a grumpy Grinch before Christmas, he did enjoy the idea of spending a proper holiday with Sammy, Cas… and Sammy’s sweetheart, although he would never admit that out loud. Dean’s face broke in a smile as he discovered the bottle of Honey Jack Daniel’s with two assorted tumblers.

 

“Always know how to make me smile, bitch”

 

 

“The way to a Winchester’s heart is through his liver” was all Sam offered in return, before picking up a package that felt and looked suspiciously like a book.

 

“This one is from me, Sam” Cas spoke up, sounding slightly sheepish, “I hope you enjoy it”

 

“Thank you, Cas” Sam, much in the same fashion as his brother, managed to pull the wrapping paper off in one go to reveal, as expected, a book. Although it looked more like a piece of art. The binding was made of brown leather and the title _The Lord of the Rings: The Complete Trilogy_ was printed in elegant golden letters on its front. Sam would be lying if the cover itself did not take his breath away, and he even let out a small appreciative whistle when he flicked through the neatly drawn maps and pictures featuring between hundreds of pages of prose.

 

“Illustrated, too… jeez, man that’s awesome. Thank you so much, Cas”

 

The former angel visibly beamed with pride at Sam’s words, shooting Dean a knowing look that seemed to say ‘see, I knew he would like it’ while Dean merely rolled his eyes in a dismissive fashion.

 

“Okay, my turn, my turn” Gabriel chanted, bouncing up and down ever so slightly. The archangel randomly grabbed a rather thin present that Dean claimed as his own. The excitement on Gabriel’s face was quickly replaced by a wolfish grin as he unwrapped half a dozen of ‘Busty Asian’ magazines. Cas and Sam had the decency to blush, while Dean merely looked uncomfortably between a clearly pleased Gabriel and a visibly mortified Sam.

 

“Well, I got them before I knew you two were… a thing, and… I didn’t know what else to get you, and went for the obvious considering Casa Erotica and that.. ”

 

“Anything gets my steam going, sugar” Gabriel reassured the older Winchester, winking at him for good measure.

 

“I believe it’s my turn now” Cas announced, swiftly moving on from the subject. Dean did not give his angel the choice of which box to open first and handed him his own present. Cas did not mind in the least, taking the neatly wrapped package from Dean’s hand with a loving smile on his face; a smile Dean wished Cas would not lose once he went back to being an angel. The older Winchester broke into a sweat as he watched Cas unwrapping his present in a painfully slow fashion, making sure not to tear the paper. The look of pure joy that crossed Cas’ features when he discovered the two passes to go visit a bee farm in spring was all the confirmation the older Winchester needed to know that his lover was over the moon with the present Dean had got him.

 

“I thought you would love to go see that, if you’re not too busy with finding your grace, of course…”

 

Dean had not meant to sound accusatory, and if Cas noticed the undertone he did not show it. Instead, he merely looked at Dean with a mixture of sadness and determination. Taking the older Winchester’s hand in his, Cas hoped he managed to convey all the love he felt for Dean in that instant through a simple touch.

 

“I will always have time for you, Dean”

 

Dean would be lying if he said that he believed Cas, but instead of commenting he offered his lover what he hoped was a convinced smile. The four men finished opening their presents, and Dean tried not to think too hard about the fact that this might be their first and last Christmas they would spend all of them together. When all the presents had been unwrapped, Gabriel stood up and took several steps towards Cas, a mischievous look on his face.

 

“I believe I am still left to give you a present, brother. First of all, let me tell you how odd it is to be giving each other presents on our half-brother Jesus’ supposed birthday… secondly, I don’t mean to diminish your present, Dean-o, but mine is a lot more meaningful than yours…” Gabriel said, not taking his eyes off Castiel. The former angel rose to his feet, shooting his trickster brother a suspicious look, while Dean tried his best not to look offended by the statement.

 

“Gabriel, I don’t like the sound of that” Cas admitted, which only made Gabriel smirk smugly.

 

“You will understand soon enough… my gift to you, Castiel, is the opportunity to make good use of your free-will. It comes in the form of a choice… a choice only you can make, and accept the consequences of… which is what makes it so personal, if you like”

 

Cas shot Dean a worried look, unconsciously shifting closer to the older Winchester. Dean had an equally perplexed expression plastered on his face, while Gabriel looked rather proud of his little trick. Sam avoided eye-contact with Cas, feeling rather anxious about the former angel’s reaction. Cas watched intently as Gabriel pulled an object similar to a necklace out of his jeans pocket, the former angel’s eyes widening as he noticed the vial shining a bright whitish-blue colour.

 

“Gabriel…” Dean started saying, his voice breaking half-way through his sentence, “is that…”

 

“Cassie-baby’s grace? Yep, Dean-o. Merry Christmas, brother. It’s all yours to take and enjoy if that is your wish” Gabriel announced, letting the vial dangle temptingly before Cas’ eyes, who merely stared at it in shock, “this means you could be an angel again as of tonight. Exciting, right? This is what you want, isn’t it? Take it…”

 

Outside, people were cheering, singing and celebrating Christmas. Music could be heard playing from the neighbouring houses. The old lady next door was complaining about the noise everyone was making. Meanwhile, the eerie silence that had settled in Dean and Cas’ house was broken by Dean’s shaky voice.

 

“Gabriel, you dirty bastard son of a bitch…”

 

TBC.


	10. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, it is with a heavy heart, a sense of accomplishment and a proud smile on my face that I post the last chapter of this story. I had no idea where this would go when I started it, and it probably was not my best work, but hell it's out there now. And I now love it in it's own way. 
> 
> Thank you for the lovely people who left kudos, subscribed and also to the (so far) sole person who commented on the story. I appreciate feedback in every form, so thank you for your patience and for following this story. 
> 
> You guys are the best. Without you reading my stories, they have no meaning. Enjoy chapter 10 and hopefully I'll be back soon with another work. 
> 
> xx

Gabriel had often found himself in perilous situations. Really you could say that every argument in Heaven between Michael and Lucifer had been a near-death experience for any angel who had dared cross the path of the enraged archangels. Gabriel had always been the one to come between his quarrelling brothers when he felt that they were taking the argument too far, at the risk of perishing under his brothers’ wraths. Brave of him to do so, you say? Let’s just admit that there is a fine line between bravery and recklessness. What else were you expected to do when your brothers were fighting each other within an inch of their immortal lives?

 

Gabriel had learned his lesson: there was no stopping Lucifer and Michael’s quarrels. In fact, it became gradually more dangerous to intervene, so Gabriel had stopped… and then fled. Since his self-imposed exile, the archangel had never again found himself in a situation where he had feared that his life could potentially be at a risk. He had become the trickster, after all, which had made him a master at hiding from potential enemies. And when he could not hide, he was powerful enough to defend himself against attackers. The archangel had almost forgotten what it felt like to fear for one’s safety, and he possibly missed the feeling. Despite this, Gabriel had to admit that seeing the enraged look in Dean Winchester’s eyes when he realised that the archangel was in possession of his angel lover’s grace came really close to making him feel uneasy.

 

“Gabriel, you dirty bastard son of a bitch…”

 

Dean’s rage was festering like pus oozing out of a wound, and the way the human was balling his fists menacingly would have sent any grown man running for the hills screaming their mother’s name. Gabriel was no man. He was a powerful archangel of the Lord who had fought battles unheard of by humans; a celestial entity who could destroy the entire city of Detroit with a click of his fingers, leaving no survivors. And he would not let a human intimidate him, that was below him.

 

However, Dean Winchester had proven himself lethal to angels before. With this thought in mind, Gabriel promptly decided to seek refuge behind Sam’s tall frame.

 

“Listen, Dean-o…”

 

“I am done listening to you, you manipulative lying coward” Against all expectations, Dean’s voice was low and calm, like the quiet before the storm. “Right now, all you deserve is to suffer the worst kind of tortures in hell for what you willingly put Castiel through, but that is a conversation for another day. Really it shouldn’t surprise me that you would rather turn your back on your brother’s suffering than act on it, because all you have ever done is run from problematic situations. You are nothing but a selfish coward”

 

“Dean…” Sam tried to reason with his brother, stretching one arm in front of him in order to keep Dean at arm’s length from the archangel hiding behind him. As absurd as this action seemed to Sam, the younger Winchester knew that Dean would regret trying to hurt an archangel. It would not end well, and had to be avoided. “Dean, I understand you’re pissed, believe me I was too when I heard what Gabriel had planned, but…”

 

“You _knew?_ ” Dean snarled at his brother, hurt evident in his tone, “you knew what this bastard had done and did not tell me, or Cas?”

 

“I only found out a couple of days ago, Dean… please, just listen to me alright?”

 

“Sammy, I don’t want to hurt you, get out of my way so I can beat the shit out of this dick bag…” Dean demanded, slowly losing his cool. Gabriel squared up ever so slightly at the threat, his eyes narrowing dangerously as a flash of blueish-white briefly illuminated his eyes.

 

“Watch your tone, Dean Winchester… you may be a pro at killing angels, but I am one old dog I can tell you that… I have tricks up my sleeve you could not phantom in your craziest dreams…” Gabriel’s voice had lost its playful edge and sounded nothing less than terrifying.

 

“Guys…”

 

“Dean, back off right now”

 

Cas’ authoritative voice put an end to the three-way confrontation that was going on in the living room. Dean immediately snapped around to face Cas, a confused expression plastered on his features. Cas looked nothing like the fragile and traumatised shadow of a human Dean had grown used to dealing with. Cas looked determined, strong and more importantly, pissed. His eyes were shooting daggers at the three men facing him and as he stepped purposefully towards Gabriel, his words came out spasmodically.

 

“You three… are acting like this… like _any_ of this involves… me having to accept your personal take on the matter. As far as I’m concerned… this is _my_ decision alone. This is _my_ grace, _my_ life and _my_ battle, understand?” Cas shot Dean a pointed look, which made the former hunter lower his eyes submissively. “I will not stand here while the three of you fight over the morality of Gabriel’s actions, or the reasoning behind what he did, alright? Fact is, it doesn’t really matter what either of you think about what Gabriel did, if anything it is _I_ who should condone his actions, not you”

 

Sam and Dean both looked like two kids who had been caught _in flagrante_ with their hands deep in the cookie jar. As much as Dean wanted to argue with his lover, he knew that Cas made a good point. Sam shared a look with his older brother, clearing his throat nervously as he tried to ignore the glare Cas was sending both their ways.

 

“As for you, Gabriel… whatever your reasons were for you to keep this from me until now, and whatever your reasons were for not coming to my aid earlier… possibly you only obtained the location of my grace fairly recently yourself, I don’t care… point is, you are in possession of it, and you have presented me with a choice… and that is all that matters to me right now”

 

“Cas, wait…” Dean interjected bravely, wanting to tell his lover how selfish he had been for wanting him to stay human and ignore Cas’ feelings. He wanted the former angel to know that he was okay with him taking his grace back, because Dean loved Cas more than anything in the world and nothing, not even a grace, could ever change that. The former hunter did not have the chance to get that far before his lover interrupted him.

 

“Dean, with all due respect, I know I have not been the easiest person to live with these past couple of months. However, there is something I would like to say to you, and God be my witness if you try to interfere one more time I will personally knock you out…” Only when Cas was convinced he had Dean’s attention did he proceed, “you have no idea what it was like to be reduced to this state. You have no idea how that made me feel, and no amount of explaining could have brought you any closer to an epiphany, so don’t try and tell me that all I had to do was talk to you. You have never experienced life as an angel, and believe me you will never be able to understand how much I struggled with this whole experiment… being human, it’s hard. I admire humanity more now that I know the ordeals they go through. All these… emotions, conflicting often times, and constantly overwhelming my sense… I honestly don’t know how you all find the strength to get up in the morning…”

 

Cas paused there, reminded of the panic attacks, the ever-present sadness, the sweet relief that came with inflicting his body pain, the thoughts of leaving and never coming back… all of it came rushing back to his mind, and it felt like it had knocked all the air out of his lungs. Regaining his composure, the former angel carried on.

 

“Yes, when Gabriel came to us bearing the news of having located my grace, I allowed myself to hope. I allowed myself to yearn for my former life, for my powers, for my wings… for all the things that made me _Castiel_. And frankly, I think I had the right to. You were right, Dean, I had not felt that happy since my fall. What you need to understand is that this feeling had nothing to do with you. Not everything has something to do with what you do, or how you act, or the way you treat people. How many times do I have to tell you that you are the only thing that gives me purpose, whether it be in this life as a human, or in my life as an angel?”

 

Cas reached out for Dean’s hand, interlacing their fingers lovingly while his free hand softly brushed against the stubbles on Dean’s cheeks. Green eyes met his, and in that instant this simple look the two of them shared confirmed Cas’ sentiments. He smiled as he spoke the next words.

 

“One thing this experience has taught me is that whether I’m human, or angel… all I really care about is you. Ever since I gripped you tight and raised you from perdition, everything I did, I did it for you. And I can’t see that change any time soon. I realised that I won’t, and couldn’t, live in a world that did not have you in it. I don’t even want to think about what such a world would look like”

 

“Cas…” Dean’s voice sounded on the verge of breaking, and the slight trembling of his lower lip told the former angel that his words had hit a nerve in Dean’s heart. Meanwhile, Sam glanced at Gabriel and noticed the small, almost proud smile on the archangel’s lips. The sight confused the younger Winchester ever so slightly.

 

“So, brother… despite all my wrong-doings, and my unorthodox methods... what will it be? Grace, or no grace?” Gabriel asked, still holding the chain on which Cas’ grace was attached tightly in his fist. The former angel turned his attention away from Dean without letting go of him to look at his older brother. Cas seemed to hesitate for an instant, swallowing audibly making it seem like he was debating the question, while in truth he had already made his decision. It was just not an easy one to come to terms with.

 

“Gabriel, how well can you hide my grace from other angels? I wouldn’t want it to be used for nefarious purposes by any of our brothers and sisters…” Gabriel smiled at the question, ignoring the two gaping brothers.

 

“I’m sure I’d manage to keep it in a safe place” he assured his younger brother.

 

“In that case, I choose humanity” Cas declared.

 

His announcement was met with stunned silence. Dean was not sure if he was dreaming, or how he should feel about the revelation. His first instinct was to feel bad about himself; after all, he had been the one to accuse Cas of being selfish and ungrateful. He hoped that this had not been the reason for the former angel’s decision.

 

“I don’t get it… you said you missed being an angel, I… what made you change your mind?” Sam asked incredulously before Dean had a chance to formulate a coherent sentence in his head.

 

“Well, Sam… several days ago when Dean and I went to the mall we got into a fight about me getting my grace back. At the time, I was convinced that what I wanted more than anything was to be an angel again, but upon reflection, I realised that even though Dean would not have left me, things would have changed between us. That thought, it just… it made me sad. Very sad, actually, and I realised then that the idea of my relationship with Dean possibly never being the same ever again sounded worse to my ears than the thought of not getting my grace back. I suddenly understood that the one thing I was terrified of was losing Dean. The choice was fairly easy after I reached that conclusion…”

 

“For my part” Gabriel suddenly pitched in, “I already knew that you would come to that conclusion sooner or later. I just needed to wait for the right time”

 

“What I would like to know is why you care so much about Cas being with me?” Dean asked the archangel, pulling his lover possessively into his side, almost as if he feared Cas would disappear in a puff of smoke before his eyes. Gabriel merely shrugged dismissively.

 

“For one, if you two yahoos stay retired, we might avoid future apocalypses…” Seeing that his joke was not unanimously met with hilarity, Gabriel cleared his throat before proceeding, “more importantly, if anyone of my siblings deserves to be happy, it’s Cas. He’s probably the only angel to have always listened to our father’s most important command: ‘love humanity more than you love me’. Castiel did exactly what was asked of him, and for that I do sincerely believe that Father wanted him to be happy… and this whole Metatron plot? You call it a mistake, Castiel… I call it destiny”

 

Gabriel punctuated the last part of his sentence with a suggestive wink, shooting Sam a knowing glance. Although Cas knew that he should not allow himself to take Gabriel’s words literally, he desperately clung to the thought that he had effectively made his father proud. His older brother’s words were comforting, and who was to tell Gabriel was wrong?

 

“So, the angels were destined to fall from Heaven?” Dean asked sceptically, earning himself a deadly glare from Sam.

 

“Let’s just agree that God works in mysterious ways” Gabriel offered, interlacing his fingers with Sam’s as a wide grin appeared on his face. “Now, I believe there is time for a last Christmas carol before bedtime”

 

The three other men rolled their eyes in unison as _Last Christmas_ blasted through the speakers, sending the old neighbour next door into another litany of complaints about the noise nuisances and how disrespectful the neighbourhood had become since she had moved in fifty-odd years ago. Cas and Dean shared an amused chuckle while Sam smacked away Gabriel’s wandering hands. It all felt like a Christmas miracle… and really, none of them felt like complaining.

 

OoO **EPILOGUE** OoO

 

“You know, I always wonder what would have become of us if you had agreed to take your grace back” Dean mused, disentangling himself from Cas so he could serve the breakfast he had just cooked for them. He heard Cas sigh pensively.

 

“We certainly would not have ended up staying here… you would have been on the move, I would have taken care of things in Heaven”

 

“… I would be having breakfast with Sammy in some crappy diner, or in the bunker…” Dean added, taking place at the table. Cas followed suit.

 

“… you would then have gone on to research a case, making me worry about your safety the whole time, refusing that I interfere because ‘you got this’…” Cas flashed Dean an amused smile as the former hunter echoed the shorter man’s words mockingly, dismissing them as untrue.

 

“I always got this, you should know that by now. Who built you the awesome shed in the garden where you keep all your fancy tools?” Dean asked, stuffing his mouth with bacon.

 

“The Garden Centre in town?” Cas offered with a raised eyebrow, smirking as Dean shot him a wary look.

 

“Do you always have to have the last word?”

 

“You love me for it” Cas countered playfully, winking at Dean in a manner that reminded the former hunter far too much of Gabriel.

 

“I guess I do. Better eat that breakfast fast, you know how much Sam hates it when we’re late. I mean, why we agreed to go away for the weekend with those two is beyond me” Dean commented, finishing his breakfast quickly while Cas still savoured the eggs and bacon on his plate.

 

“Because Gabriel managed to get us free hotel rooms and because there is no Sam without a Gabriel in toe?” Cas offered.

 

“You are always so right… it’s starting to get annoying” Dean complained half-heartedly, leaning over to place a chaste kiss on Cas’ lips. “I still love you, though”

 

“And I love you, too”

 

In that moment, the two men realised that no matter how challenging the hardships were, the darkest nights would still always end, and the sun would always rise.

 

THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last sentence of the epilogue is a paraphrasing of Victor Hugo's quote 'even the darkest nights will end, and the sun will rise'.


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